Joke thread.

[george]

Three tortoises, Mick, Alan and Les, decide to go on a picnic. So Mick packs
the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches. The trouble is the picnic site
is ten miles away so it takes them ten days to get there.

When they get there Mick unpacks the food and beer. "Ok Les Give me the
bottle opener."

"I didn't bring it," says Les. "I thought you packed it."

Mick gets worried, He turns to Alan, "Did you bring the bottle opener?"

Naturally Alan didn't bring it. So they're stuck ten miles from Home without
a bottle opener.

Mick and Alan beg Les to go back for It, but he refuses as he says they will
eat all the sandwiches.

After two hours, and after they have sworn on their tortoise Lives that they
will not eat the sandwiches, he finally agrees. So Les sets off down the
road at a steady pace. Twenty days pass and he still isn't back and Mick
and Alan are starving, but a promise is a promise.

Another five days and he still isn't back, but a promise is a promise.
Finally they can't take it any longer so they take out a Sandwich each, and
just as they are about to eat it, Les pops up from behind a rock and
shouts...


(wait for it...)













"I KNEW IT!............I'M NOT F*CKING GOING NOW!"

[george]

One sunny day, Superman was flying around Metropolis
looking for something to do. He spotted Spiderman and
flew down to him. "Hey Spiderman, what are you doing
today?" Spiderman replied that he had a broken webslinger
so he couldn't do anything.

Superman continued flying around Metropolis and spotted
Batman. Batman told Superman he couldn't do anything
because he needed to fix the Batcar.

Superman began flying around yet again and saw Wonder
Woman lying on her back, naked on top of a Metropolis
building. Superman thought to himself that if he was
faster than a speeding train, he could fly down and
screw Wonder Woman before she ever knew what happened.
So Superman flew down, screwed her faster than a speeding
bullet and flew away.

Wonder Woman then said, "Hey, what just happened?" The
Invisible Man rolled over and replied, "I don't know
but my ass is killing me!"

[TraceyHand]

are you *that* bored?
Or are you just procrastinating? :p

[pinbrook]

This guy is having a quiet drink in a hotel bar. In a bowl are some peanuts, which he begins to nibble on. Suddenly, he hears a little voice say, "You're a really handsome bloke. That shirt really suits you. Nice car, by the way. Very good taste." Then he goes over to the cigarette machine and puts the right change in. No cigarettes come out, but another voice starts. "You're a real ugly bas***d," it says. "That shirt looks cheap, and your car is a total heap of c**p!"
Confused, the guy goes up to the barman and asks what's going on. "Well," says the barman, "the peanuts are complimentary, but I'm afraid the cigarette machine is out of order."

[pinbrook]

Three very old and very bored grannies were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home.

About then an old man walked by and one of the grannies said,

"I bet we can guess how old you are."

The old man said, "There's no way you can guess how old I am."

One of the granniesas replied, "Of course we can! Just drop your shorts and we can tell your exact age."

So he did.

The granniesas stared at him for a good while and then they all piped up and said, "You're 87 years old!"

The old man was stunned. "Amazing! How did you guess that?"

The grannies laughed until tears were rolling down their cheeks.

Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, all three happily yelled in unison,

"You told us yesterday."

[pinbrook]

George buys a talking centipede and carries it home in a little box.
Placing it on the kitchen table, he says: "Hey, centipede, how about we go to the pub for a beer?"
The centipede doesn't answer, so George thinks: "I'll just wander off for a while, then ask again."
Five minutes pass and he comes back: "So, we going for a beer?" Again, no answer.
"Hmm," George thinks. "I'll just go off and watch this TV show, then ask again."
Half an hour passes and he tries one more time.
So the centipede looks up and says, "For God's sake, George, I heard you the first time. I'm just putting on my shoes."

[george]

Or are you just procrastinating? :p

Over what Tracey? :)

[TraceyHand]

Over what Tracey?

Well, I read your original post :p and you just said you needed cheering up (or should that have been "warming up" and "drying off"?) before you did some work...
change your mind? :D

[TraceyHand]

Two nuns had just arrived to the US by boat when one said to the other, "I heard that the occupants of this country actually eat dogs."
"Odd," her companion replied, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."
Nodding emphatically, the mother superior pointed to a hot dog vendor and they both walked towards it.
"Two dogs, please," said one.
The vendor was only too pleased to oblige and he wrapped both hot dogs in foil. Excited, the nuns hurried over to a bench and began to unwrap their 'dogs.'
The mother superior was first to open hers, then, stared at it for a moment, leaned over to the other nun and whispered cautiously, "What part did you get?"

[TraceyHand]

It's 8:00 AM at a gambling casino. There are two guys waiting
at the dice table for additional competition. A very attractive
lady comes in and wants to bet twenty-thousand dollars on a
single roll of the dice. The other two agree.

She says, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when
I'm not wearing underwear." With that she strips naked from the
waste down. She then rolls the dice while yelling, "Momma
needs a new pair of pants! YES! I WIN!"

With that she picks up her money and clothes and quickly leaves.
The other two just stare at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one
of them asks, "What did she roll anyway?"

The other answers, "I don't know. I thought you were watching
the dice!"

[hobuk]

CHINESE SICK LEAVE

"I NO COME WORK TODAY!!!"

Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, I no come work today,
I really sick.
Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work."
The boss says, "You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you Today.
When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her to give me Sex.
That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that."

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "I do what you say and I
Feel great. I be at work soon......... You got nice house."

[hobuk]

A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week
so the magician did the same tricks over and over again. There was only
one problem: the captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to
understand how the magician did every trick.

Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show. "Look,
it s not the same hat!" or "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!"
or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the
captain's parrot. Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship
unfortunately sank.
The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea
with, and as fate would have it, with the parrot. They stared at each other
with hatred but did not utter a word. This went on for a day... and then 2
days...and then 3 days. Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could hold back
no longer and said......"OK, I give up. Where's the f...ing ship?"

[hobuk]

OK My Last One For All The Golfers Out There:

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man." The man then replies: "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."

[george]

change your mind? :D

I did actually lol. Hard to concentrate when you are dealing with a sudden climate change and recovering from trying to keep up with fit eighteen year olds for a couple of hours...


(I did consider deleting the thread but Jo had added a couple of posts so I thought I'd leave it for now)

[Legends]

Man goes to the doctors and says "Doctor I think I am going deaf"

The doctor says "What are the symtoms"

"Arn't they a yellow cartoon family on the telly" The man replies

:D :D

[bowstock]

A penguin goes into a pub and asks the landlord 'has my Dad been in tonight'?
The landlord thinks for a while and says 'Your Dad? I don't think so - what does he look like?

[acompton]

Three loonies are up for release from the loony bin. The psychiatrist calls them in and says, “I’m going to give you all a test to see if you are suitable for Care in the Community”. He gives each one a large spider in a box and adds: “look after your spider for a week and come back and tell me what you have found out about it”.

After a week the first loony is called into the psychiatrist’s office and is asked: “What have you found out about your spider?”
The loony replies: “Its black!”
“I’m afraid that’s not good enough” says the psychiatrist, “you’ll have to stay in here for a little longer”

The second loony is called in and asked: “What have you found out about your spider?”
The loony replies: “Its black and hairy!”
“I’m afraid that’s not good enough” says the psychiatrist, “you’ll have to stay in here for a little longer”

The third loony is called in and asked “What have you found out about your spider?”
The loony doesn’t reply, but he carefully takes the spider out of its box and places it on the desk. The he leans close to the spider and says “Spider walk forward!” – and the spider walks a few steps forward! The psychiatrist is amazed! Next the loony says “Spider walk backwards!” – and the spider walks backwards for few steps! The psychiatrist is speechless! Finally the loony takes out a pair of scissors, and cuts off all of the spider’s legs. He places the twitching torso back on the desk and repeats his instructions: “Spider walk forward!” – the spider doesn’t move – “Spider walk backwards!” – still no movement.

The loony sits up with pride and announces: “This proves that without its legs, a spider cannot hear!”

[pinbrook]

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a £30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "OK. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow £30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

(you're gonna love this)


(its a real treat)



(a masterpiece)


(wait for it)





The bank manager looks back at her and says...

"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."


(You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are........)

Never take life too seriously! Come on now, you grinned, I know you did!!!
Have a lovely day

[leehack]

Yep it got me :)

[buspassjohn]

Is that a South African joke?:)

[pinbrook]

Nah... I just stole it from another forum I frequent

[jont]

Is that a South African joke?:)

Would guess at American with the terminology used (aside from the non-specific dollars)

[Donald Gray]

EARLY RETIREMENT
Due to the financial situation, management has decided to implement a scheme to put all workers over 30 on early retirement. This scheme will be known as R.A.P.E. (Retire Aged Personnel Early)

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be eligible for the S.H.A.F.T. scheme. (Special Help After Retirement). Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the S.C.R.E.W. scheme (Scheme for Retired Early Workers).

A person may be RAPED only once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as management deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED can apply to get A.I.D.S. (Additional Income for Dependants or spouse) or H.E.R.P.E.S. (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance). Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by the management.

Persons staying on, will receive as much S.H.I.T. (Special High Intensity Training) as possible.

Management has always prided itself for the amount of SHIT it gives it's staff. Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring it to the attention or your manager. He has been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.

[Dragon Slayer]

A husband always insisted on making love in the dark. After 20 years the wife turns on the light to find her husband holding a vibrator.

She goes ballistic. You impotent bas***d ! How could you lie to me all these years ?

Husband looks her straight in the eyes and calmly says 'I'll explain the toy, you explain the kids'

[Dragon Slayer]

Two priests go for a shower one night. They're naked when they realise they don't have any soap. Father John goes to his room to get some, grabbing 2 bars, one in each hand he heads back to the showers.

Half way down the hall he spots 3 nuns heading his way, so thinking quickly he pretends to be a statue. The nuns walk past and say how lifelike the statue looks. The first nun pulls his manhood, startled, he drops a bar of soap. The nun exclaims 'Oh, a soap dispenser'. The second nun does the same and again he drops the other bar of soap. The third nun does likewise 'Oh sweet Jesus, hand lotion too'.

[Suemoo]

A man complains,
"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass
of Home.'" "That's the Tom Jones Syndrome," explains
the doc. "Is it common?" asks the man. "It's Not
Unusual," says the doc.

[brian.mc]

It's 2012, and the London Olympics are about to start.

True to form, the builders have just managed to finish the project at the last minute, but have left lots of equipment and materials lying around.

3 friends, an Irishman, Scotsman, and Englishman have met in London to attend the opening ceremony, but cannot get tickets anywhere.

As they stand outside the Olympic Stadium, wondering how to get in, the Scotsman gets a brainwave, walks over to the pile of builders materials, picks up a manhole cover and walks up confidently to the competitors entrance. He says " McKay, Scotland, Discus", and the security guard says "go on in, and good luck".

The other two look on in amazement, then the Englishman goes over to the pile of materials, picks up a scaffolding pole and marches up th the competitors entrance proclaiming " Jones, England, Pole Vault". The guard says:-"go on in, and good luck".

The Irishman looks on in awe - then he too has a brainwave - he walks over to the pile of materials, picks up a roll of barbed wire, puts it under his arm, and confidently strides up to the competitors entrance proclaiming "Murphy, Ireland, Fencing"

[george]

http://www.anagramgenius.com/server.html

[leehack]

'Kettle Ache' for me, kind of fitting, i don't drink tea or coffee as a rule and i detest making a hot drink.

[TraceyHand]

"Enchant a randy" for me
:D
No comment

editted to say...if I omit my middle name, I get "Randy Cheat" :eek:

[leehack]

'I'm whale-like cattle' with my middle name - think i'll complain to the mods about this post, i'm quite hurt by that.

[TraceyHand]

'I'm whale-like cattle' with my middle name - think i'll complain to the mods about this post, i'm quite hurt by that.

*sniggers at the "whale"*

[Donna]

Do you realise that Tony Blair anagrams to Tory in Lab...that's too weird!

[leehack]

And Albert Einstein is 'ten elite brains' - thats even stranger.

[Donna]

'leonardo da vinci' ...'Vindaloo and rice.'

or even better..........

'David Robert Joseph Beckham'
anagrams to
'Chart bimbo Posh jerked Dave.'

[brian.mc]

I'm 'Crack mimic born.'
but if I include my middle name its 'Man! I'm cosmic jerk crab.', which I suppose is appropriate as I'm a Cancerian!

[Jan]

I'm 'Jeans 'n' stars.' or for my full name 'Nonsense! Majestic anniversary'. :-)

[Duncan Rounding]

I'm 'Jeans 'n' stars.' or for my full name 'Nonsense! Majestic anniversary'. :-)

Puzzle of the day now Jan. We're all trying to reverse engineer your anagram!

[gabrielcrowe]

this image always reminds me of software i'v seen over the years.

http://richardwhitehead.com/img/miracle.jpg

[gabrielcrowe]

jan, your name is also an anagram of

'Satanic vermin enjoys nearness'

not, that i'm saying you're satanic, or a vermin, you understand, but is merely an anagram.

and also:

'Insane jester roams nanny vices'

which i feel can only be a reference to a perverted court appointed humorist perousing older ladies.

[Jan]

I wonder if a Mole could be considered vermin - if so, I like that one better.

Regards,

[TraceyHand]

I wonder if a Mole could be considered vermin

They definitely are in our garden!

[fergusw]

this image always reminds me of software i'v seen over the years.

http://richardwhitehead.com/img/miracle.jpg

Now that made me laugh. :)


I'm "Grew Furies" - which also made me laugh in an Actinic V8 upgrade kinda way!

[Legends]

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the Bike, the car, playing golf - always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.

I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

Moral to this story : Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is the husband.

Cheers

[Donna]

A language teacher was explaining to her class that in French, nouns unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine.
"House" in French, is feminine -"la maison," "Pencil" in French, is masculine "le crayon."

One puzzled student asked, "What gender is computer?" The teacher did not know, and the word was not in her French dictionary.

So for fun she split the class into two groups appropriately enough, by gender and asked them to decide whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun.

Both groups were required to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The men's group decided that computer should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computer"), because



No one but their creator understands their internal logic
The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else
Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later review
As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheque on accessories for it.


The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine "le computer") because:


In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on.
They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves
They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem
As soon as you commit to one, you realise that if you had waited a little longer you could have gotten a better model.

[TraceyHand]

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife, pinched her on the butt and said..."If you firmed this up, we could get rid of your control top pantyhose."
While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent.

The next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts
and said...."You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra."
This was beyond a silent response...

So she rolled over and grabbed him by his 'DANGLER.'
With a death grip in place, she said...

"You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener, the postman, the pool man and your brother!"

:eek:
(and my apologies to Miranda who posted this first on the forum I've lifted it from :D )

[jont]

Two tourists driving through Wales pass through Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch and start a heated debate on how to pronounce it.

They stop for food and ask the assistant "can you please say very slowly how you pronounce the name of the place we are in?"

She leans forward and says "Burr-gurr King"

[Donna]

A man is on his deathbed, and his wife is sitting by his side.

The man says to the wife: “Honey, I have to tell you something.”

The wife replies: “Yes, you can tell me anything.”

Man: “I slept with your sister.”

Wife: “I know.”

Man: “And your mom.”

Wife: “I know.”

Man: “I also slept with your secretary, Mary.”

The wife puts a finger to his mouth and says,

“I know, my darling, now just relax and let the poison work”.

[parklifeclothes]

'Darn! All rancor' not overly impressive but my other halves is,
'Jerker 'n' anal canal' although I haven't told her yet! she will be delighted;)

[TraceyHand]

..... my other halves is,
'Jerker 'n' anal canal' although I haven't told her yet! she will be delighted

:eek: That's a rather unfortunate anagram!!

[acompton]

Jont's Burger King joke reminds of a true story.

My friend worked in a shop called "Usbournes" - it was filled with decorative nik-naks and gifty things.

One day an American tourist came up to the counter and said:
"Young man, could you help me?"
She lead him into the depths of the shop and a wicker basker filled with marbles, where she pointed to the shop's price card with the price written on.
"Could you tell me how you pronouce that word?"
"Usbournes" replied my friend.
"Do you know, back in the States, we call these things 'marbles'"

Alan

[davidbenson]

Some unanswered questions .........................

Why is it that no matter what colour bubble bath you use, the bubbles are always white?
If you pointed a gun at someone and said " Can I ask you a question?", what do you do if they reply "Fire away!"
What did the first person ever to milk a cow think they were doing?
Do coffins have lifetime guarantees?
Why do round pizzas come in square boxes?
What was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread?
If someone owns a piece of land, do they own it all the way to the centre of the earth?
If humans evolved from monkey's/apes, why are they still here?
why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Why is the show called Unsolved Mysteries? if they were solved they wouldn't be mysteries.
In libraries, do they put the bible in the fiction or non-fiction section?
Do nudists have pin-ups of people with clothes on?
If you only have one eye...are you blinking or winking?
Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Bob and I am an alcoholic'?
Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries' have a 'use by' date?
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
If marriage was illegal, inlaws would be outlaws...
Why does a pack of peanuts say might contain nuts?
Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

[jont]

What did the first person ever to milk a cow think they were doing?
Imitating a calf

Do coffins have lifetime guarantees?
Some do.. although the life of the buyer.

Why do round pizzas come in square boxes?
Stop them rolling away / cheaper

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
No air contact

Do nudists have pin-ups of people with clothes on?
Pins in a nudist camp - are you mad :eek:

Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Stretches the eye lids apart

Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Stops heat stroke (premature crashing)

[george]

Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Stretches the eye lids apart


10/10 LOL

How does the guy that drives the snowplough get to his work in the morning?

[completerookie]

a slightly older lady, sitting on the edge of the bed, naked, glances up and sees a reflection of herself in the mirror.
touching her forehead, she says "furrows are getting deeper"
touching her nose, "not as nice as it once was"
touching her chin, "sagging a bit there"
touching her breasts, "boy oh boy, they've seen better days"
touching her tummy, "couple of pounds should do it there"
then her thighs, "hmmmm"
spots the cullulite etc etc etc

Husbands voice was heard to mutter "absolutely nothing wrong with your eyes is there"

[completerookie]

Why don't cannibals eat clowns?
Answer: They taste funny.

What is the difference between a lousy golfer and a lousy skydiver?
Answer: A lousy golfer goes WHAP! "Oh crap!". A lousy skydiver goes "Oh crap!" WHAP!

Did you hear about the geneticist that tried to cross a potato and a chicken?
He wanted to produce a chicken that would definitely NOT cross the road, but instead, got a bunch of potatoes that sat around pecking eachother's eyes out.

[george]

Mr. Cadbury and Miss Rowntree met on a Double Decker, it was After Eight.
She was from Quality Street; he was a Fisherman's Friend. On the way they
stopped at a Yorkie Bar, he has a Rum and Butter, she had a Wine Gum.
He asked her name, "Polo, I'm the one with the hole" she said.
"I'm the one with the nuts," he thought! Then he touched her Milky Way.
They checked into a hotel, and went straight to the bedroom.
Mr Cadbury turned out the light for a bit of Black Magic. It wasn't long
before he slipped his hand into her Snickers and felt her Cream Egg. He
fondled her Flap Jacks then showed her his Curly Wurly and Tic Tacs.
Miss Rowntree wasn't keen to have any Jelly Babies, so she let him take
a trip down Bournville Boulevard via her Party Ring. He was quite pleased
as he always fancied a bit of Fudge. It was a magic moment as she let out
a scream of Turkish Delight. When he pulled out, his King Size Mars Bar
felt a bit Crunchie. She wanted more, but he needed a Time Out, however,
he noticed her Pink Wafers looked very appetizing. He did a Twirl, had
a Picnic in her Sherbet Dip and finished off giving her a Gob Stopper!
Unfortunately, Mr Cadbury then had to go home to his wife, Caramel. Sadly
he was soon to discover he had VD. It turned out Miss Rowntree had been
with Bertie Basset, who apparently had Allsorts!!!

[kathynewman]

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV, and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Japanese man, clutching a clipboard and yelling:

"You Sign! You sign!" Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.

Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Japanese man starts to yell louder: "You sign for these! You sign!". Nelson says to him, "Look, you've obviously got the wrong man", and shuts the door in his face.

The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the little Japanese is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling: "You sign! You sign!"

Mr. Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little Japanese man back, shouting: "Look, go away! You've got the wrong man! I don't want them!" Then he slams the door in his face again.

The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again. On opening it, there is the same little Japanese thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting:

"You sign for these parts!! You sign!" Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts. This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little man by his shirt front and yells at him:

"Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name!

Who do you want to give these to?"

The little Japanese man looks at him very puzzled, consults his clipboard and says (Get your Japanese accent ready...)

"You not Nissan Main Dealer ?"


Kathy

[leehack]

LOL good one Kathy, i like that.

[george]

c&p sorry about the caps etc...

WHICH WOULD U CHOOSE? CAKE OR BED?????

A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,

"HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY? IT'S BEEN FLICKERING
FOR WEEKS NOW"

HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY;

"FIX THE LIGHT, NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE AN ELECTRICIANS LOGO PRINTED ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!"

THE WIFE ASKS,

"WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT."

TO WHICH HE REPLIED,

"FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE HOTPOINT WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO."

FINE, SHE SAYS,

"THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS TO THE FRONT DOOR?" THEY'RE ABOUT TO BREAK."

"I'M NOT A DAMN CARPENTER AND I DON'T WANT TO FIX THE STEPS", HE SAYS. "DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WOODIES DIY WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO. I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU. I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!! "

SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS. HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES TO GO HOME AND HELP OUT. AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED. AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE, HE SEES THE HALL LIGHT IS WORKING. AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.

"HONEY", HE ASKS, "HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?"

SHE SAID,

"WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT OUTSIDE AND CRIED.JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM.HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE."

HE SAID,

"SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE HIM?"

SHE REPLIED,

"HELLOOOOO.......DO YOU SEE DELIA SMITH WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!"

[Duncan Rounding]

A business man got on an elevator in a building. When he entered the
elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by
saying, "T-G-I-F"? (letters only).

He smiled at her and replied,"S-H-I-T" (letters only)."

She looked at him, puzzled, and said, "T-G-I-F" again.

He acknowledged her remark again by answering, "S-H-I-T."

The blond was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and
said as sweetly as possibly "T-G-I-F" another time.

The man smiled "S-H-I-T."

The blond finally decided to explain things, and this time she said,
"T-G-I-F, Thank Goodness It's Friday, get it?"

The man answered, "Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday."

[Duncan Rounding]

And another classic:
Q: If you're an American in the living room, what are you in the bathroom?
A: European!

[Darren B]

On of my little boys favorites

"What Do You Call A Dinosuar With Only One Eye"

















Ready








"Do-You-Think-He-Saw-Us"


:D

[pixelhaus]

What's red and invisible ?



No tomatoes!



My very favourite stupid joke :-)

[leehack]

I PMSL at this one, client just sent it me - funniest i've heard in quite sometime.

This bloke was very lonely and he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy
an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede, which
Came in a little white box to use for his house. He took the box back home,
found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking
his new pet to the bar to have a drink. So he asked the centipede in the box,
"Would you like to go to Frank's with me and have a beer?"
But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he
Waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the
bar and having a drink with me?" But again, there was no answer from his
new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the
situation. He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face
up against the centipede's house and Shouting,
"Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a drink with me?"

Scroll down!!!!!!!!!!!!!















A little voice came out of the box: "I heard you the first time! I'm putting my Fu***ng shoes on !!

[pinbrook]

Now i know no-one ever reads my posts......

POST #6

[Legends]

Great original joke Lee - suprised no one else came up with that :D

[TraceyHand]

Now i know no-one ever reads my posts......

POST #6

LOL
You know, I read that joke and though "funny, but I've heard that before"
I just hadn't realised it was here!

Oh dear, Lee. You could be in trouble now :D

[leehack]

FFS my memory is so bad. Sorry Jo.

[pixelhaus]

I think Aricept should be made available to Actinic designers before our minds all turn to goo lol

[Darren B]

Now i know no-one ever reads my posts......



what post,who's Jo i know Jan not sure about Jo though:D

[Paul Bulpit]

It's a job to find a clean & original one though - and I do find it notable that the level of banter varies according to which forums one frequents.


John M had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally sick of the
stress he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from
humanity as possible.

He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month.
Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so, of almost total isolation, someone knocks on
his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.

"Name's Lee, your neighbour from forty miles up the road. Having a
Christmas party Friday night... Thought you might like to come. About 5pm"

"Great", says John, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some
local folks. Thank you."

As Lee is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you......be some drinkin'."

"Not a problem" says John. "After 25 years in the business, I can drink
with the best of 'em."

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More 'n' likely gonna
be some fightin' too."

"Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right. I'll be there,
thanks again."

"More'n likely be some wild sex, too,"
"Now that's really not a problem" says John, warming to the idea. "I've
been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way,
what should I wear?"

"Don't much matter ..... Just gonna be the two of us."







Names have been changed to protect the innocent.

[jont]

FFS my memory is so bad. Sorry Jo.

Spamming the forum with duplicate posts! C'mon Lee.. you are meant to be setting an example on the forum. Please use the search facility before posting.

[george]

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink.

Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table.

He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest,
biker in the face and says: "I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her
in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!"

The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused,
because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat. The drunk
leans on the table again and says: "I got it on with your grandma and she is
good, the best I ever had!" The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad
but the biker still says nothing .

The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell you something
else, boy, your grandma liked it!"

At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him
square in the eyes and says.................


"Grandad,....... go home, you're drunk"

[george]

Today, I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made coffee,
grabbed my clubs, slipped quietly into the garage, loaded my clubs into the car,
and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

There was snow mixed with the rain and the wind was blowing 50 mph. I
pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the
weather would be bad throughout the day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation,
and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

She sleepily replied, "I know, can you believe my husband is out golfing
in that sh*t."

[leehack]

Please use the search facility before posting.
That was good, nice one. We now have Bruce with us, just CD to go.

[jont]

Has CD been on his jollies? Not seen him around much of late!

[leehack]

Yeah he's back now though.

[cdicken]

Has CD been on his jollies? Not seen him around much of late!Yep - had a week climbing mountains in Snowdonia. Well, I say 'mountains' - it was more like 'mountain' and the rest of the time was spent with my family and in pubs.

Anyhoo - you'll see less of me over the next few months as I am doing less up front support at the moment and more tecchie stuff (crossing to the dark side etc. etc.) I will still be popping in when I can though.

[leehack]

Anyhoo - you'll see less of me over the next few months as I am doing less up front support at the moment and more tecchie stuff (crossing to the dark side etc. etc.) I will still be popping in when I can though.
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, poor Bruce. Good luck Anakin, see you on a far away galaxy - V9.

[Darren B]

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, poor Bruce. Good luck Anakin, see you on a far away galaxy - V9.

Oh dear, there go's a link with support and development, forgive me for being pessimistic but it does not make me feel good:eek:

[Darren B]

Anyhoo - you'll see less of me over the next few months as I am doing less up front support at the moment and more tecchie stuff (crossing to the dark side etc. etc.) I will still be popping in when I can though.

Or was this CD's joke???????

[cdicken]

Oh dear, there go's a link with support and development, No need for pessimism. The support team and development team get together weekly to discuss stuff that happens on this board and on phone support. It isn't just me rushing around being helpful trying to make sure everyone gets along (although I do do a fair amount of that...)

[jont]

The support team and development team get together weekly to discuss stuff that happens on this board and on phone support.

The direct line for the team whilst in meeting can be by Googling http://www.google.co.uk/search?hl=en&q=%2Bpubs+%2B%22west+byfleet%22&btnG=Google+Search&meta=

[leehack]

100 years ago, 20 guys chasing a black man was called the Klu Klux Klan, nowadays it's called Formula One.

Go Lewis, Go Lewis - pass a hankie to the Spaniard bratt as you pass him again.

[Darren B]

No need for pessimism. The support team and development team get together weekly to discuss stuff that happens on this board and on phone support.

It's going to be a long meeting this week then, with the joke thread, story thread and of course georges acronym thread

[Duncan Rounding]

A very loud, unattractive, hard-faced woman walks into Tesco with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The door greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Tesco, nice children
you've got there. Are they twins?"

The fat ugly woman stops screaming long enough to snarl:

"Of course they bloody aren't! The oldest is nine and the youngest is seven. Why the hell would you think they're twins?..... Do you really
think they look alike, you dickhead?"

"Absolutely not," replies the greeter, "I just can't
believe anyone Would shag you twice!"

[george]

"Can I have some Irish Sausages, please?" asked my good friend Seamus O'Murphy
the well known Irishman, walking up to the counter.

The assistant looked at him and asked: "Are you Irish?"

"If I had asked you for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?"
demanded this Irishman indignantly. "Or, if I asked for German Bratwurst, would
you ask me if I was German?"

Then, warming to his theme, he went on: "Or if I asked you for a Kosher hot
dog,
would you ask me if I was Jewish?" "Or, if I asked you for a taco, would you
ask me if I was Mexican? ! Would Ya? Would Ya?"

The assistant said: "Well, no."

Suitably encouraged by the success of his logic, the Irishman steps it up a
gear. "And if I asked you for frogs legs, would you ask me if I was French?"
"What about Danish Bacon, would you ask me if I was Danish?"

"Well no, I probably wouldn't" conceded the assistant.

So, now bursting with righteous indignation, the Irishman says: "Well, all
right then, Why did you ask me if I'm Irish just because I asked for Irish
sausages?"

The assistant replied: "Because you're in f***ing Homebase"

[Dragon Slayer]

Seven dwarfs went to meet the Pope.
Go on Dopey, 'Ask' chanted the other six.
'OK' said Dopey. 'Sir, are there nuns in Alaska ?'
'Yes, there are' reponds the Pope.
'Go on Dopey, ask him' urged the other six.
'OK said Dopey'. 'Sir, are there black nuns in Alaska ?'
'Yes there are' replied the Pope.
'Go on Dopey, ask him'.
Dopey blushed and said ' Are there midget nuns in Alaska ?'
'No, I don't think so' said the Pope.

At this all six leapt about shouting 'Dopey sh***ed a penguin, Dopey sh***ed a penguin'.

[george]

A woman was pregnant with triplets. One day she decided to go for a walk
when she was shot in the stomach.

The Dr. said the children would be fine but they would each have a bullet
inside them.

It was sixteen years later when one of her girls came down and said that
when she had a shit she found a bullet so the mum explained the story.

A bit later her second daughter came down and said when she went for a piss
she found a bullet, so for the second time she explained the story.

All of a sudden her son came down in a right state. His mum turned around
and said "Don't tell me you went to toilet and found a bullet".

He then turned back and said "No, I was having a w*nk and I shot the f***ing dog!"

[Duncan Rounding]

Not a new one but a good one non-the-less:

An Australian, a Kiwi and South African are in a bar one night having a beer.

All of a sudden the South African drinks his beer, throws his glass in the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces. "In Seth Efrika our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same one twice," he says.

The Kiwi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces."Wull mate, in Noo Zulland we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don't need to drink out the same glass either," he says.

The Australian, cool as a Koala, picks up his beer and drinks it,throws his glass in the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the South African and the Kiwi.

He turns to the astonished barman and says,"In Strailya mate, we have so many bloody South Aricans and Kiwis that we don't need to drink with the same ones twice."

[remmo]

Not a new one but a good one non-the-less:

An Australian, a Kiwi and South African are in a bar one night having a beer.

All of a sudden the South African drinks his beer, throws his glass in the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces. "In Seth Efrika our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same one twice," he says.

The Kiwi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces."Wull mate, in Noo Zulland we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don't need to drink out the same glass either," he says.

The Australian, cool as a Koala, picks up his beer and drinks it,throws his glass in the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the South African and the Kiwi.

He turns to the astonished barman and says,"In Strailya mate, we have so many bloody South Aricans and Kiwis that we don't need to drink with the same ones twice."


Good One Duncan... you even got the accents right:D... nothing like a bit of kiwi bashing!

[Duncan Rounding]

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why He wore his collar that way. The man, who was a priest, said, "I am a Father." The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that." The priest looked up from his book and answered, "I am the Father of many." The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way." The priest, getting impatient, said, "I am the Father of hundreds" and went back to reading his book. The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar.

[Duncan Rounding]

A few quickies or your Friday morning coffee....


An Englishman a Scotsman and an Irishman walked into a pub. The landlord said "What's this? Some sort of joke ?"
------------------------------------
Jesus walks into a hotel, puts four nails down on the counter and asks “Can you put me up for the night?”
------------------------------------
There’s a car full of nuns driving through Transylvania late at night. Suddenty, Dracula swoops down on the car and clings to the windscreen wipers, leering and licking the glass.

“Quick Mother Superior”, shouts a novice, “Show him your cross!”

“Good thinking!”, replies the Mother Superior, who furiously shakes her fist at the Count and shouts “Oi! Vampire! F**K OFF!”

[Legends]

Bushism

President Bush is on the phone to his senior advisors in Iraq for his daily update, he is told that three Brazillian soilders had been killed.

Getting off the phone in tears and ashen faced he turns to one of his aids and says "hey tell me, just exactly how many is a brazillion"
:D

[george]

I went to the cemetary yesterday to lay some flowers on a relative's grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin... 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it...



I thought to myself... these b*ggers have lost the plot.

[OllyBug]

My mate told me this one!

Tiger Woods finsihed a practise round and went into the clubhouse. Tiger spots Stevie Wonder sitting at the bar and goes over for a chat.

"Hi stevie, I didn't know you could play golf" said Tiger - rather awkwardly as to not offend him.

"Yeah Tiger I am getting pretty good now" said Stevie

" i don't mean to be rude but how do you play when you are blind?" asks Tiger

" Well when I drive off, my caddy stands on the fairway and shouts as loud as he can and as my hearing is goodm i can pinpoint exactly where he is and by ball lands where I want" explains Stevie.

"Well that is amazing what about Iron Play and putting"? asks Tiger

Stevie replies, "Iron play is a bit like the tee shots, except the loudy he shouts the more lofted club I use. Putting is even easier as my caddy just says left or right and the ball just goes straight in!".

Standing back in amazement, Tiger thinks for a bit and being the world number 1 thinks he can win some money here.


"How about we have a game stevie and the winner takes home a million" asks Tiger..........







......."Ok Tiger" said Stevie. "I am free any night this week!!!"

[TraceyHand]

omg I must have had a blonde moment...it took me a while to get that
:D

(it's late...brain is fried!)

[Duncan Rounding]

A Welsh lad came home from school and told his mother he had been given a part in the school play.

'Wonderful, 'replies his mother, 'what part is it?'

The boy says, 'I play the part of the Welsh husband.'

The mother scowls and says, 'Go back and tell your teacher you want a speaking part.'

[Dragon Slayer]

An old one but still good...

One day in the future, George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got some folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place.

I'll even let YOU decide who leaves." Bush thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the first room.

In it was Ronald Reagan and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed. Over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell. "No, George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the next room. In it was Richard Nixon with a sledge hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented George.

The devil opened a third door. In it, Bush saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. Bush took this in disbelief and finally said, "Yea, I can handle this."




The devil smiled and said "OK, Monica, you're free to go."

[Duncan Rounding]

I think there's a message here:

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C. The Russians used a pencil.

[Darren B]

I think there's a message here:
Yep there is 2 - the Russians are to tight to make pens, and the Yanks struggle to think out of the box :D

[Duncan Rounding]

Yes I know they're old - but gave a me a laugh anyway...

Q: What washes up on small beaches?
A: Microwaves.

Q: Where did the tree trimmer apply for a bank loan?
A: At the branch office.

Q: What do you call ten rabbits marching backwards?
A: A receding hare line.

Q: What’s the most important thing to learn in chemistry class?
A: Don’t lick the spoon.

Q: What do you call chicken in a hot tub?
A: Soup.

Q: What was the man who was just cloned say?
A: I’m beside myself!

Q: Why is turtle wax so expensive?
A: Because turtles have such tiny ears.

Q: What do you call the wife of a hippie?
A: Mississippi

Q: What did the porcupine say when it backed into the cactus?
A: “Mom, is that you?”

Q: What did the sign in the Egyptian funeral home say?
A: “Satisfaction guaranteed or double your mummy back.”

Q: What do you give the person who has everything?
A: A burglar alarm.

[acompton]

An Englishman, and Irishman a Scotsman and a Welshman went to war. On a daring mission they were trapped behind enemy lines and taken prisoner. Their captors held a military trial, pronounced the four to be ‘spies’ and sentenced them to be shot a dawn. As a softener, they were each allowed one last request.
The Welshman said: “I would like to hear a thousand Welshmen singing ‘Land of My Fathers’”.
The Scotsman “I would like to hear a thousand pipers playing ‘Scotland the Brae’”.
The Irishman “I would like to see a thousand Irish dancers performing ‘Riverdancer’”.
The Englishman said: “Shoot me first”.

[completerookie]

We all did it, but the rules were never written down. ! - well now they are !

Matches shall be played over three unequal periods: two playtimes and lunchtime. Each of these periods shall begin shortly after the ringing of a bell, and although a bell is also rung towards the end of these periods, play may continue for up to ten minutes afterwards, depending on the "bottle" of the participants.

There is a sliding scale from those who hasten to stand in line as soon as the bell rings, known as "poofs", through those who will hang on until the time they estimate it takes the teachers to down the last of their G & T's and journey from the staff room, known as "chancers", and finally to those who will hang on until a teacher actually has to physically retrieve them, known as "nutters".

It is important, in picking the sides, to achieve a fair balance of poofs, chancers and nutters in order that the scoreline achieved over a sustained period of play is not totally nullified by a five-minute post-bell onslaught of five nutters against one.

The scoreline, to be carried over from the previous period of the match, is in the trust of the last nutters to leave the field of play.

The game ends when the lad who owns the ball goes in a mood

PARAMETERS

The object is to force the ball between two large, unkempt piles of jackets, in lieu of goalposts. These piles may grow or shrink throughout the match, depending on the number of participants and the prevailing weather. It is important that the sleeve of one of the jackets should jut out across the goalmouth, as it will often be claimed that the ball went "over the post" and is thus disallowed.

In the absence of a crossbar, the upper limit of the target area is observed as being slightly above head height, regardless of the height of the keeper.

The width of the pitch is variable. In the absence of roads, water hazards etc, the width is determined by how far out the attacking winger has to go before the pursuing defender gives up.

At free kicks, the scale of the pitch justifies placing a wall of players eighteen inches from the ball. It is the formal response to "yards", which the kick-taker will incant meaninglessly as he places the ball.

The width of the pitch is variable. In the absence of roads, water hazards etc, the width is determined by how far out the attacking winger has to go before the pursuing defender gives up.

TACTICS

Playground football tactics are best explained in terms of team formation. Whereas senior sides tend to choose - according to circumstance - from, for example, 4-4-2, 4-3-3, 5-3-2, the playground side is usually more rigid in sticking to the all-purpose 1-1-17 formation.

STOPPAGES

Much stoppage time in the senior game is down to injured players requiring treatment on the field of play. The playground game flows more freely, with play continuing around or even on top of a participant who has fallen - or more likely been pushed - over.

Other stoppages:

1. Ball on school roof or over school wall. The retrieval time itself is negligible in these cases. The stoppage is most prolonged by the argument to decide which player must risk life, limb or four of the belt to scale the drainpipe or negotiate the barbed wire in order to return to play. Disputes usually arise between the player who actually struck ball and any others he claims it may have struck before disappearing into forbidden territory.

2. Bigger boys steal the ball. The intruders will seldom actually steal the ball, but will improvise their own kickabout amongst themselves, occasionally inviting the younger players to attempt to tackle them. Standing around looking bored and unimpressed usually results in a quick restart.

3. Menopausal old bag confiscates ball. More of a threat in the street or local green kickabout than within the school walls. Sad, blue-rinsed, ill-tempered, Tory-voting cat-owner transfers her anger about the array of failures that has been her life to nine-year-olds who have committed the heinous crime of letting their ball cross her Privet Line of Death. Interruption (loss of ball) is predicted to last "until you learn how to play with it properly".

CELEBRATION

Goal-scorers are entitled to a maximum run of thirty yards with their hands in the air. But making it 34-12 does not entitle the player to drop to his knees and make the sign of the cross.

A fabulous solo dismantling of the defence or 25-yard rocket (actually eight yards, but calculated as relative distance because "it's not a full-size pitch") will elicit applause and back-pats from the entire team and the more magnanimous of the opponents. However, a tap-in in the midst of a chaotic scramble will be heralded with the epithet "****ing poacher" from the opposing defence. "****ing goal-hanger" is the preferred alternative. Applying an unnecessary final touch when a ball is already rolling into the goal will elicit a burst nose from the original striker. Kneeling down to head the ball over the line when defence and keeper are already beaten will elicit a thoroughly deserved kicking.

PENALTIES

At senior level, each side often has one appointed penalty-taker, who will defer to a team-mate in special circumstances, such as his requiring one more for a hat trick. In the playground the best player usually takes the penalties but he may defer to the 'best fighter' or, if the side is comfortably in front,
the ball-owner may be invited to take a penalty. Goalkeepers are often the subject of temporary substitutions at penalties.

CLOSE SEASON

This is known also as the Summer Holidays, when the players dabble briefly in other sports: tennis for a fortnight while Wimbledon is on the telly; pitch-and-putt for four days during the Open; and cricket for about an hour and a half until they reckon it really

[hobuk]

Post Date: Aug 7th, 2006
Expire Date: Sep 6th, 2006

$10,000
06' Suzuki GSXR 1000
Farmington, UT 84025 - Aug 7, 2006
2006 Suzuki 1000. This bike is perfect! It has 1000 miles and has had its 500 mile dealer service. (Expensive) It's been adult ridden, all wheels have always been on the ground. I use it as a cruiser/commuter. I'm selling it because it was purchased without proper consent of a loving wife. Apparently "do whatever the f*** you want" doesn't mean what I thought. Call me, Steve. (801)867-8292

[Duncan Rounding]

A few fun ones for the weekend:

Why don't they make the whole airplane out of that black box stuff?

If my calculations are correct: slinky + escalator = everlasting fun!

IRC is just a multiplayer Notepad.

How do you embarrass an archeologist? Give him a tampon and ask him which period it came from.

My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a bitch.

Anyone know what resolution our eyes run at?

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

What is a .tar ? it's used to patch .road files.

[Darren B]

Very good duncan, a think a few wont get the last one though:D

[george]

The International Council of Manlaws, Ltd.

1. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2. It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her Blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss's car.
(d) When she is using her teeth.

3. Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and
eaten by his buddies.

4. Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of
jail within 12 hours.

5. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits
forever unless you actually marry her.

6. Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is
forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for
another man.

8. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

9. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

10. You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to
climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent
entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

11. It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning
on a tropical beach ... And it's delivered by a topless model and only when
it's free.

12. Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick
another guy in the nuts.

13. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14. Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15. If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see
anything.

16. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

18. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but
not both, that's just greedy.

19. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his
choice of beer.

20. Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except
if she's withholding sex pending your response.

21. Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
A) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
B) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
C) Another set and we can hit the showers!

22. Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing (I.e.,
both urinating, both waiting in line, etc.). For all other situations, an
almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

23. Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

24. The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have
carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no
reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.

25. It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to
drive yours.

26. Thou shalt not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime green, orange
or sky blue.

27. The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for
Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.

28. There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's
Gymnastics. Ever.

29. We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know
the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition
of each is listed below:

"GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out with The guys, being assaulted
by your wife with a broom, And having the guts to say, "are you still cleaning
or are you flying somewhere?"

"BALLS" is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next!"

We hope this clears up any confusion,

The International Council of Manlaws, Ltd

[Duncan Rounding]

A few one liners....

An honest weatherman says, "Today's forecast is bright and sunny with an 80% chance that I'm wrong."

There's a technical term for a sunny, warm day which follows two rainy days. It's called Monday.

A postcard home: The weather is here. Wish you were beautiful.

There was a communist named Rudolph. One day he looked out the window and said, "It looks like a storm is coming." "No it isn't," said his wife. "Besides, how would you know?" "Because," he responded, "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."

[Darren B]

Dawn French has been arrested on a drugs charge
she was seen in tescos wearing a mini skirt
As she bent over she revealed 75 kilos of Crack

sorry it tickled me

[george]

Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play music in women's breast implants.

The iBreast will cost £499 to £599.

This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

[george]

A penguin is taking a road trip when his car suddenly breaks down. Luckily for him, he finds himself just down the street from a mechanic. So, he pushes his car to the shop and asks the mechanic to take a look. The mechanic tells him that it will probably take a little while to find the problem and asks him to come back in an hour.

The penguin goes over to the supermarket, buys some frozen fish sticks and some vanilla ice cream for lunch, and spends the rest of the hour hanging out in the frozen foods section.

After the hour is up, he waddles over to the mechanic's shop. Seeing him come in, the mechanic walks over, and wiping his hands on a rag, says, "Looks like you've blown a seal."

The penguin blushes, wipes his beak with his flipper and says, "No, it's just white ice cream."

[Neil_P]

My contribution on behalf of the EPoS Forum -

Subject: 3 min management course


Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the Next-door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you £800
to drop that towel." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her £800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbour," she replies. "Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about the £800 he owes me?"

Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.


Lesson 2:

A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his hand.
But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest apologised "Sorry Sister but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm
129.
It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity


Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."
"Me first, me first!" Says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat,
without a care in the world."
Puff! She's gone. "Me next, me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Puff! He's gone.
"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."


Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.


Lesson 4

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?"
The Eagle answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the Eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.


Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.


Lesson 5


A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.


Moral of the story: BullS**t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.


Lesson 6


A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was
actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.


Moral of the story:

(1) Not everyone who sh!ts on you is your enemy

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of sh!t is your friend

(3) And when you're in deep sh!t, it's best to keep your mouth shut!


This ends the 3-minute management course.

[pinbrook]

A far more accurate account of the events of that fateful morning...
>
>Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table, looks into
>his small bowl. It is empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?" he squeaks.
>
>
>
>
>
>Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair, looks into
>his big bowl and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?!?" he
>roars.
>
>
>
>
>
>Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and
>yells, "How many times do I have to go through this with you idiots?
>
>It was Mummy Bear who got up first.
>
>It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house.
>
>It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee.
>
>It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put
>everything away.
>
>
>
>It was Mummy Bear who swept the floor in the kitchen.
>
>It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the
>newspaper and croissants.
>
>
>
>It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table.
>
>It was Mummy Bear who walked the bloody dog, cleaned the cat's litter tray,
>gave them their food, and refilled their water.
>
>
>
>And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs and
>grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully, because I'm
>only going to say this once....
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> Keep scrolling!
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> I HAVEN'T MADE THE F***ING PORRIDGE YET!!!"
>

[Duncan Rounding]

Possibly The Best Blonde Joke of the Year

A blonde went into a world wide message centre to send a message to her mother overseas.
When the man told her it would cost $300, she exclaimed: "I don't have any money. But I'd do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother".
The man arched an eyebrow (as we would expect). "Anything?" he asked.
"Yes, yes, anything" the blonde promised.
"Well then, just follow me", said the man as he walked towards the next room.
The blonde did as she was told and followed the man.
"Come in and close the door" the man said.
She did. He then said "Now get on your knees."
She did. "Now take down my zipper".
She did. "Now go ahead ... take it out...." he said.
She reached in and grabbed it with both hands then paused.
The man closed his eyes and whispered "Well............ go ahead".
The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer to it and while holding it close to her lips, tentatively said...........
"Hello. Mom, can you hear me?"

[george]

A man riding his Harley was riding along a California beach, when
suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the
Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I
will grant you one wish."

The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride
over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic! Think of the enormous
challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching
the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It
will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is
hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things.

Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help
mankind."

The biker thought about it for a long time.

Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand
women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she
gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she
says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge mate?"

[george]

A young man called Jason invited his mother for dinner, during the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how handsome Jason's flatmate was.


She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Jason and his flatmate than met the eye.


Reading his mum's thought's, Jason vounteered, I know what you must be thinking, but I Assure you, Simon & I are just flatmates.



About a week later, Simon came to Jason saying, "Ever since your mother
came to dinner, i've been unable to find the frying pan, you don't
suppose she took it do you? Well I doubt it, but I will email her just
to be sure said Jason. So he sat down and wrote:



DEAR MOTHER, I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU DID TAKE THE FRYING PAN FROM MY HOUSE, I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU DID NOT TAKE THE FRYING PAN, BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IT HAS BEEN MISSING EVER SINCE YOU WERE HERE FOR DINNER.
LOVE JASON



Several days later, Jason received an email from his mother which read:


DEAR SON, I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU DO SLEEP WITH SIMON, AND I'M NOT
SAYING THAT YOU DO NOT SLEEP WITH SIMON, BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IF HE WAS SLEEPING IN HIS OWN BED, HE WOULD HAVE FOUND THE FRYING PAN BY NOW.
LOVE MUM

[completerookie]

An American magazine held a competition, inviting its readers to submit new scientific theories on ANY subject.
Below is the winner:

Subject: Perpetual Motion

When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when toast is dropped, it always lands buttered side down.

Therefore, if a slice of toast is strapped to a cat's back, buttered side up, and the animal is then dropped, the two opposing forces will cause it to hover, spinning inches above the ground.

If enough toast-laden felines were used, they could form the basis of a high-speed monorail system.

.....and then this mail got this reply from one of the recipients:

I've been thinking about this cat/toast business for a while. In the buttered toast case, it's the butter that causes it to land buttered side down - it doesn't have to be toast, the theory works equally well with Jacob's crackers. So to save money you just miss out the toast - and butter the cats.

Also, should there be an imbalance between the effects of cat and butter, there are other substances that have a stronger affinity for carpet.

Probability of carpet impact is determined by the following simple formula: p = s * t(t)/t? where p is the probability of carpet impact, s is the "stain" value of the toast-covering substance - an indicator of the effectiveness of the toast topping in permanently staining the carpet.

Chicken Tikka Masala, for example, has a very high s value, while the s value of water is zero.

t? and t(t) indicate the tone of the carpet and topping - the value of p being strongly related to the relationship between the colour of the carpet and topping, as even chicken tikka masala won't cause a permanent and obvious stain if the carpet is the same colour.

So it is obvious that the probability of carpet impact is maximised if you use chicken tikka masala and a white carpet - in fact this combination gives a p value of one, which is the same as the probability of a cat landing on its feet.

Therefore a cat with chicken tikka masala on its back will be certain to hover in mid air, while there could be problems with buttered toast as the toast may fall off the cat, causing a terrible monorail crash resulting in nauseating images of members of the royal family visiting accident victims in hospital, and politicians saying it wouldn't have happened if their party was in power as there would have been more investment in cat-toast glue research.

Therefore it is in the interests not only of public safety but also public sanity if the buttered toast on cats idea is scrapped, to be replaced by a monorail powered by cats smeared with chicken tikka masala floating above a rail made from white shag pile carpet

[Neil_P]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FfMUwCKtWMI

[Duncan Rounding]

Not really a joke but I found this quite fascinating (watch them in the order below):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tc72QYq2dtg
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L9RVGmXaayI

[Neil_P]

Subject: A wee Scots wedding
Two young men from Glasgow, Archie and Jock, are sitting in the pub discussing Jock's forthcoming wedding .
"Ach, it's all going like magic," says Jock. "I've got everything organized already - the flowers, the kirk, the
cars, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night....." Archie nods approvingly.


"Man, I 've even bought a kilt to be married in!" continues Jock. "A kilt?" exclaims Archie,
"That's grand, you'll look pure smart in that! And what's the tartan?"


"Oh," says Jock, "I'd imagine she'll be in white."

[pinbrook]

What is Doctors Whos favourite food?

Dalek Bread

[pinbrook]

Two muffins in the oven, one says to the other "damn its hot in here," the other says "Oh my god! A talking muffin!"

[pinbrook]

Bill and Ben in the bath, Ben goes "blb blb blb" Bill says "If that smells I'll kill you!"

[completerookie]

why do elephants have big ears ?
Noddy won't pay the ransom

[Legends]

Bill Said "Flobb a lobb a lob" and ben said "Flibb a libb a libb" and little weed said "shut up you two your both Pi**ed"

[JSnow]

Boss interviewing Blonde secretary asks the following question:

What's the difference between a paperclip and a screw?

Blonde answers: I don't know, I've never been paperclipped.

[JSnow]

A Man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son.

They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?

To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."

He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?" The dad replies,

"Those are for high school boys, ONE for Friday, ONE for Saturday, and ONE for Sunday."

"Cool" says the boy.

He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"

"Those are for college men," the dad answers, TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack.

With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, "Those are for married men.

ONE for January, ONE for February, ONE for March...................December"

[fergusw]

Not really a joke but I found this quite fascinating (watch them in the order below):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tc72QYq2dtg
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L9RVGmXaayI

In a similar vein:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2uZLbL0jBwA (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2uZLbL0jBwA)

quite impressive!

[Duncan Rounding]

Funnily enough that was the video that got me on to youtube immediately before I found the ones I posted. Strange. Did you receive the link in an email recently?

[TraceyHand]

2 Cows

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

SOCIALISM:You have 2 cows, you give one to your neighbour.


COMMUNISM:You have 2 cows. The State takes both and gives you some
milk.


FASCISM:You have 2 cows. The State takes both and sells you some milk.


NAZISM:You have 2 cows. The State takes both and shoots you.


BUREAUCRACY:You have 2 cows. The State takes both, shoots one, milks
the other, then throws the milk away...


SURREALISM:You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take
harmonica lessons


TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM:You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire
on the income.


AN AMERICAN CORPORATION:You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to
analyse why the cow has dropped dead.


A FRENCH CORPORATION:You have two cows. You go on strike, organise a
riot, and block the roads,because you want three cows.


A JAPANESE CORPORATION:You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'cowkimon' and market it worldwide.


A GERMAN CORPORATION:You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.


AN ITALIAN CORPORATION:You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You decide to have lunch.


A RUSSIAN CORPORATION:You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 2 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.


A SWISS CORPORATION:You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you. You charge the owners for storing them.


CHINESE CORPORATION:You have two cows. You have 300 people milking
them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity,
and execute the newsman who reported the real situation.


AN INDIAN CORPORATION:You have two cows. You worship them.


IRAQI CORPORATION:Everyone thinks you have lots of cows. You tell them
that you have none. No-one believes you, so they bomb you and invade
your country. You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a
Democracy....


WELSH CORPORATION:You have two cows. The one on the left looks very
attractive.


AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION:You have two cows. Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate


A BRITISH CORPORATION:
You have two cows. The Government says you have to buy a licence to
milk them,but first you have to do a risk assessment, which only the
government Quango is allowed to carry out. They charge you 5 times the cost of doing it. They find that the three legged stool is a risk under
health and safety.You have to buy the EC approved 5 legged stool that is
designed to support a milk maid of up to 250 kilos. It is too heavy to
carry. The stool exceeds EC weight lifting limits for workers by 4 kilos,
which just happens to be the weight of the fifth leg. To shift the
stool from one cow to the other you therefore need a special (EC
approved) trolley. The new stool and trolley are so expensive that you
have to mortgage one of the cows to pay for them and pay for the
mandatory training course you must take to get your licence to milk the cows.
You sell your milk to the supermarket chain that pays you next to
nothing for it, and then they sell it to their customers for four times
what they paid you. Then they release a press statement about how
wonderful they are to support British Cows. The rest of the world thinks your cows are mad but you and your cows know that it is not true and anyway the rest of the world have no intention of identifying and counting
their mad cows so people in other countries don't know their cows are
really, really barmy do they. You sell your cows to a Polish migrant worker
and your farm to a Russian 'investment bank'and then you leave to buy a
villa by the sea in a country where it is sunny and the cost of milk
is a tenth the cost of milk at home.
They don't have a National Health Service.......but you are so happy and relaxed your health improves and you live to be a hundred

[JSnow]

There once was a Red Indian whose given name was "Onestone".

So named because he had only one testicle. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!" The word got around and nobody called him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning, Onestone." He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.

Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away for many years.

Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone."

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!

What is the moral of this story?????............................



OH, come on...take a guess!





(You're going to love this!)






You can't kill two birds with One stone!

[leehack]

:o
........

[JSnow]

A man boarded a plane at Sydney airport and, taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the aircraft.

He realised she was heading straight towards his seat, and bingo! She took the seat right beside him. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out: "Business trip or holiday?"

She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniac Convention in the United States." The man swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked,
"What's your business role at this convention?". "Lecturer", she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really?" he smiled, "What myths are those?"

"Well", she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent.
We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish."

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed.

"I'm sorry", she said. I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!"

"Tonto", the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos but all my friends call me Paddy."

[JSnow]

Three men, a German, a Japanese and Paddy are sitting in a sauna.

Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The German pressed his forearm and the beeping stopped.
The others looked at him questioningly.
"That was my pager. I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."

A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished he explained, "That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."

Paddy felt decidedly low tech. Not to be outdone, he decided he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his behind.

The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him.

Looking down, Paddy said, "Well, will you look at that. I'm getting a fax."

[wfl]

Courtesy of SWITA. Seen this week in a camping shop window;

"Now is the Discount of our Winter Tents"

[Duncan Rounding]

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

[JSnow]

A girl goes to the council to register for child benefit.

"How many children?" asks the council worker.
"10" replies the girl.

"10?" says the council worker, "What are their names?"
"Mike, Mike, Mike, Mike, Mike, Mike, Mike, Mike, Mike and Mike"

"Doesn't that get confusing?"

"Noooo..." says the girl "Its fine. If they're all out playing in the street I just have to shout 'MIKE, YOUR DINNER'S READY'
or
'MIKE GO TO BED!' and they all do it."

"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed council worker.

"That's easy. I just use their surnames."

[papermilldirect]

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly, starving, and close to death. They are so close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden...

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell? Ees bacon, I is sure of eet".

"Si, Luis, eet smells like bacon to meee".

So, with renewed strength, they struggle off up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree, just loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon...every conceivable kind of bacon you can imagine!!

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Eees a bacon tree".

"Luis, are sure ees not a mirage? We ees in the desert, don'forget".

"Pepe, when deed you ever hear of a mirage that smell of bacon...ees no mirage, ees a bacon tree".

And with that...Luis races towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres.

Pepe is following behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun opens up, and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is mortally wounded but, true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.

"Pepe...go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree"

"Luis, Luis mi amigo...what ees eet?"

"Pepe...ees not a bacon tree....


Gasping for breath.........





"Ee..... "






"Ees..... "







"Ees a..... "







"Ees a Ham Bush!":rolleyes:

Thanks to D.

[JSnow]

One dark night outside a small town in Saskatchewan, a fire started inside the local sausage plant and in a blink it exploded into massive flames.

The alarm went out to all the fire departments from miles around. When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the sausage company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved and I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact." But the roaring flames held the firefighters off.

Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret files. From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight.

It was the nearby Dauphin-Yorkton rural township volunteer fire department composed mainly of Ukrainians over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire engine, operated by these Ukrainians, passed all the newer sleek engines parked outside the plant... and drove straight into the middle of the inferno.

Outside the other firemen watched as the Ukrainian old timers jumped off and began to fight the fire with a performance and effort never seen before. Within a short time, the Yorkton old-timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas. The grateful sausage company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave, though elderly, Ukrainian firefighters.

The local TV news reporters rushed in after capturing the event on film asking, "What are you going to do with all that money?"

"Vell," said Nick Sputski, the 70-year-old fire chief, ".....da furst thing vee gonna do is fix da brakes on dat focking truck."

[JSnow]

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

Men vs Women

NICKNAMES
If Fran, Gayle & Margot go out for lunch, they will call each other Fran, Gayle & Margot.
If Simon, Tony & Adam go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Simon, Adam & Tony will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need because it's on sale

BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from Target.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

[JSnow]

Arthur & Martha

Arthur to father Patrick: Father, you know, the lord and I are close. He knows that I can't see in the dark. So when I stand up, at night, to go to the loo, it's amazing father, but the light switches on of its own accord. And when I'm done, it goes out in exactly the same manner.

Farther Patrick can hardly believe his ears and decides to ask Martha whether she knows anything of these miracles.

Martha: What miracles?

Father Patrick: You see, Arthur has told me of the light that goes on and off of its own accord when ever he goes to the loo at night.

Martha: Ah shite! The old senile bastard has pissed in the fridge again!!!

[JSnow]

The Pastor's Donkey
The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. He was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in another race and it won again.

The next day, the local paper read:
PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in any more races.

The next day the local paper headline read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES THE PASTOR'S ASS.

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline:
NUN HAS THE BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The Bishop couldn't handle it, so he ordered the nun to lead the donkey to the high plains where it could run free.

The next day the headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

The Bishop converted to Buddhism, moved to Tibet and never worried about anyone else's ass again.

[leehack]

NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
The above one really tickled me, although i daresay beer goggles have accounted for a certain amount of that statistic.

[JSnow]

Nine things women say...

1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word. A non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)

6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question. Just say you're welcome.

8) Whatever: Is a women's way of saying F@!K YOU!

9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to #3.

[acompton]

In Honour of Stupid People . . .
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods .......


On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down."
(well...duh, a bit late, huh!)
==========================


On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts."
(talk about a news flash)
===========================
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.)
==========================


On Marks &Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating."
(...and you thought????...)
=======================


On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping.
(That's the only time I have to work on my hair.)
====================================


On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(the shoplifter special?)
===========================


On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap."
(and that would be???....)
============================



On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(but, it's just a suggestion.)
========================


On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body."
(but wouldn't this save me time?)
==============================
On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(..I'm taking this because???....)
==============================


On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only."
(as opposed to what?)
==========================
On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use."
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
==============================


On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
(Step 3: say what?)
===========================
On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)
========================
On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
(Oh my God..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
===========================

[pinbrook]

I opened a packet of tesco salmon steaks today, the allergy advice was "contains fish"

[Duncan Rounding]

I bet they wouldn't say the same about meat and sausages.

[pinbrook]

My sister picked up her 5 year old from her first day at school last week. As they were driving home my sister asked how the day had been, and gently reminded 5 year old that she had to go back again tomorrow.

Going back tomorrow wasn't a problem, but 5 yr old announced she wasn't going to wear the silly costume again though

[OllyBug]

Talking about sausages.....
Who can remember that last year Welsh Dragon Sausages had to be renamed as they didn't contain any Dragon?

[JSnow]

Old Paddy and his three sons are sitting in the pub, enjoying some Guiness and talking as families do. The conversation moves on to "What's the fastest thing in the world?"

Paddy's first son says, "The fastest ting in the world has to be a thought 'cause ya tink a thought and it's gone."

Paddy's second son takes a swig of his Guiness and says, "Nah. The fastest ting in the world is a blink 'cause ya blink a blink and it's gone."

Paddy's third son considers this for a while and then chirps up, "Ya know, the fastest ting in the world has to be light. Ya switch it on and it's on, switch it off and it's off."

Paddy takes two or three swigs, allowing his sons time to wallow in their own cleverness, and then says, "My sons, yar all wrong. The fastest thing in the world is diarrhea 'cause this morning before I could think a think, blink a blink or switch on the light. I shat meself!"

[completerookie]

what about the true story of the lady that booked a vegetarian meal when she travelled with British Airways,

She then proceeded to complain bitterly to the stewardess, because the wrapper of her meal contained the word "bacon" - "and I distinctly booked a vegetarian meal"

she only backed down, when the bright spark of a stewardess said something like "Madam, the word is BA.COM - the web address of our internet website"

[TraceyHand]

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties to perform.

Terry had married a woman from America, and bragged that he had told his new wife to do the dishes and all the cleaning in the house. He said it took a couple of days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and all the dishes were washed and put away

James had married a woman from Australia and he bragged that he had given his new wife orders to do all the cleaning, the dishes and the cooking. He told them the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better and by the third day his house was clean, the dishes done and there was a huge meal on the table.

The third man said the he had married a Yorkshire girl. He boasted that the duties he had ordered her to do were to keep the house clean, the dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table every day. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little bit out of his left eye. Enough to make himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher and call a gardener.

[Duncan Rounding]

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper. He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a London lawyer and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!

Glasgow cop says," License and registration, please."

London Lawyer says, "What for?"

Glasgow cop says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming." Glasgow cop says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please." London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Glasgow cop says, "The difference is, you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!" London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket.

If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket." Glasgow cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle. The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the f*ck out of the lawyer and says, "Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?"

[Duncan Rounding]

The Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:-

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE!

There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights.

The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids. "That's nice", she thinks, "but I want more."

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and
help with housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign
reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives Store just across the street. The first floor has wives that love sex. The second floor has wives that love sex and have money. The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited

[Paul Bulpit]

A very recent rant here about (Christmas Discount) threads going OFF-TOPIC reminds me of a thread that doesn't - and belongs in the JOKE section.

WARNING

Clicking on the following link and getting engrossed in the story will take about thirty minutes of your time, as it did mine. Please do not click if you have better things (running a busy website, changing the baby) that you should be doing, like making money, or flying a kite, or surfing.

It is a genuine thread on a mountain bikers' forum - it does not go off-topic, but the posts are over several days, with prompts from other members as to 'come on, what comes next' as the story-teller pauses (presumably to do some work).

Could move you to tears (either of laughter or at other people's misfortune) - I suggest that people like Darren DO NOT spread it around their office as no work will get done all afternoon. That's why I'm posting on a week-end.

A guy asks a simple question on a forum, and gets a reply that is more than he bargained for. Does not need to be censored, but contains references to bodily functions LOL!

YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED (http://www.singletrackworld.com/forum/read.php?f=2&i=3211010&t=3141618)

The fun starts when you get to the post from 'Blu-Tone' .......


(The thread ends at 20/07/07 04:20, there is no point in reading the comments beyond this time)


(I notice that the joke thread NEVER goes off-topic?)

[TraceyHand]

not going to waffle off topic (as apparently I always do :rolleyes: ) but just wanted to say you HAVE to read that link because I've read it before and just couldn't stop crying with laughter!
Seriously, read it!
It's worth 30 minutes of your time

[Duncan Rounding]

Blu Tones' obviously in the wrong job. Great read.

[Legends]

Well thats put paid to my Saturday morning - can't do anything cause the tears are blocking my view!

Class thread.

Cheers Paul made my day.

[Darren B]

Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

That is so wrong, so so so so wrong. Im not sure i can talk to customers properly now. Poor B*****D is all i can say

[Paul Bulpit]

Feeling a bit down, I 'phoned Samaritans.

Got through to a call centre in Pakistan.

Told them I was morose & wanted to end it all.

They said,

"Can you fly a 747?"

[Duncan Rounding]

A man was found dead in his hotel room today. The TV had been on since last weekend. He was wearing an Aussie rugby shirt, bra, high heels, hand bag and make-up.

The police removed his shirt to save his family from any embarrassment.

[los_design]

Kiwi family arrives in Australia.
Son's first day at school and the father say's
"OK son what happened at school today"
"I topped the class at Math's today".
"Well son thats because your a New zealander"

Second day at school and the father say's
"what happened at school today"
"I topped class in English"
"Well son thats because your a New zealander".

Third day at school and the father say's
"What happened at school today"
"We played mini Rugby and after the game we were in the shower's and I noticed that I had a bigger wasser than all the other boys"

"Is that because I am a New zealander Dad".

"No son" the father relied "that's because your 27".

[los_design]

and one from the archives....

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee".

The husband said, " You are in charge of the cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

Wife replies, "No you should do it, and besides it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."

Husband replies, " I can't believe that, show me."

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and shows him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says:

"HEBREWS"

[fergusw]

[! - just copying and pasting for your delectation - not original!]

1. 'Who Represents' is where you can find the name of the agent that represents any celebrity. Their Web site is www.whorepresents.com

2. 'Experts Exchange' is a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at www.expertsexchange.com

3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than ' Pen Island' at www.penisland.net

4. Need a therapist? Try 'Therapist Finder' at www.therapistfinder.com

5. There's the 'Italian Power Generator Company' at www.powergenitalia.com

6. And don't forget the 'Mole Station Native Nursery' in New South Wales , http://www.molestationnursery.com/

7. If you're looking for IP computer software, there's always http://www.ipanywhere.com/

8. The ' First Cumming Methodist Church ' Web site is www.cummingfirst.com

9. And the designers at 'Speed of Art' await you at their wacky Web site, http://www.speedofart.com/

[Legends]

A man was found dead in his hotel room today. The TV had been on since last weekend. He was wearing an Aussie rugby shirt, bra, high heels, hand bag and make-up.

The police removed his shirt to save his family from any embarrassment.

Substitute French now and Springbok next week. :D :D

Just trying to reduce our carbon footprint by recycling the joke!

[pinbrook]

Once upon a time


~~~~~~~~


in a land far away,


~~~~~~~~


a beautiful, independent,

self-assured princess


~~~~~~~~


happened upon a frog as she sat

contemplating ecological issues

on the shores of an unpolluted pond

in a verdant meadow near her castle.


~~~~~~~~


The frog hopped into the princess' lap

and said: " Elegant Lady,

I was once a handsome prince,

until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.


~~~~~~~~


One kiss from you, however,

and I will turn back

into the dapper, young prince that I am


~~~~~~~~

and then, my sweet, we can marry


~~~~~~~~


and set up housekeeping in your castle


~~~~~~~~


with my mother,


~~~~~~~~

where you can prepare my meals,

~~~~~~~~

clean my clothes, bear my children,

~~~~~~~~

and forever feel

grateful and happy doing so. "

~~~~~~~~

That night,

~~~~~~~~

as the princess dined sumptuously

~~~~~~~~

on lightly sauteed frog legs

~~~~~~~~

seasoned in a white wine

~~~~~~~

and onion cream sauce,

~~~~~~~~

she chuckled and thought to herself:

~~~~~~~~

I don't f***ing think so.

[papermilldirect]

Subject: This has to be the funniest thing i have heard in ages!!




This got the whole of Sydney laughing. Read it and

>> you'll see why! Just

>>> imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and

>> hearing this. Many

>>> Sydney folks DID hear this on the FOX FM morning

>> show in Sydney .

>>>

>>> The DJs play a game where they award winners great

>> prizes. The game is

>>> called "Mate Match". The DJs call someone at work

>> and ask if they are

>>> married or seriously involved with someone. If the

>> contestant

>>> answers"yes",he or she is then asked 3 random yet

>> highly personal

>>> questions.

>>>

>>> The person is also asked to divulge the name of

>> their partner with

>>> (phone number) for verification. If their partner

>> answers those same =

>>> three questions correctly, they both win the

>> prize.

>>>

>>> One particular game, however, several months ago

>> made the

>> Harbour City

>>> drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly

>> the funniest thing

>>> you've heard yet.

>>>

>>> Anyway, here's how it all went down:

>>>

>>>

>>> DJ: "Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever

>> heard of 'Mate Match'?"

>>>

>>>

>>> Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have."

>>>

>>>

>>> DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip

>> to the Gold Coast if

>>> you win.

>>> What is your name? First only please."

>>>

>>> Contestant: "Brian."

>>>

>>>

>>> DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?"

>>>

>>>

>>> Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."

>>>

>>>

>>> DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name?

>> First only please."

>>>

>>>

>>> Brian: "Sara."

>>>

>>>

>>> DJ: "Is Sara at work, Brian?"

>>>

>>>

>>> Brian: "She is gonna kill me."

>>>

>>>

>>> DJ: "Stay with me here,

>> Brian! Is she at work?"

>>>

>>>

>>> Brian: (laughing) "Yes, she's at work."

>>>

>>>

>>> DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time

>> you had sex?"

>>>

>>>

>>> Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning."

>>>

>>>

>>> DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

>>>

>>>

>>> Brian: (laughing sheepishly) "Well..."

>>>

>>>

>>> DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"

>>>

>>>

>>> Brian: "About 10 minutes."

>>>

>>>

>>> DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one

>> would ever have said

>>> that if a trip wasn't at stake."

>>>

>>> Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."

>>>

>>>

>>> DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex

>> at 8 o'clock this =

>>> morning?

>>>

>>>

>>> Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well..."

>>>

>>>

>>> DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?"

>>>

>>>

>>>

>> Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her mum

>> is staying with us

>>> for couple of weeks..."

>>>

>>>

>>> DJ: "Uh huh..."

>>>

>>>

>>> Brian: "...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower

>> at the time."

>>>

>>> DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

>>>

>>> Brian: "On the kitchen table."

>>>

>>>

>>> DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventure than

>> theprevious hundred

>>> times I've done it.

>>> Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his

>> wife's work number and

>>> call her up.

>>>

>>>

>>> You listen to this."

>>> [ 3 minutes of commercials follow. ]

>>>

>>>

>>> DJ: "Okay audience; let's call Sarah, shall we?"

>> (Touch

>>> tones.....ringing....)

>>>

>>>

>>> Clerk: "Kinkos."

>>>

>>> DJ: "Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?"

>>>

>>> Clerk: "This is she."

>>>

>>>

>>> DJ: "Sarah, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are

>> live on the air right now and

>>> I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours

>> now."

>>>

>>> Sarah: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"

>>>

>>> DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us.

>> Brian knows not to

>>> give any\answers away or you'll lose.

>>> Sooooooo... do you know the rules of 'Mate

>> Match'?"

>>>

>>> Sarah: "No."

>>>

>>> DJ: "Good!"

>>>

>>>

>>> Brian: (laughing)

>>>

>>>

>>> Sarah: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up

>> to?"

>>>

>>>

>>> Brian: (laughing) "Just answer his questions

>> honestly, okay? Be

>>> completely honest."

>>>

>>>

>>> DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3

>> questions, Sarah. If

>>> your answers match Brian's answers, then the both

>> of youwill be off to

>>> the Gold Coast for 5 days on us.

>>>

>>>

>>> Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."

>>>

>>> DJ: "Alright. When did you last have

>> sex, Sarah?"

>>>

>>> Sarah: "Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before

>> Brian went to work."

>>>

>>>

>>> DJ: "What time?"

>>>

>>> Sarah: "Around 8 this morning."

>>>

>>> DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it

>> last?"

>>>

>>>

>>> Sarah: "12, 15 minutes maybe."

>>>

>>> DJ: "Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is

>> trying to protect is

>>> manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You

>> are one question away

>>> from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?"

>>>

>>>

>>> Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."

>>>

>>>

>>> DJ: "Where did you have it?"

>>>

>>>

>>> Sarah: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them

>> that did you?"

>>>

>>>

>>> Brian: "Just tell him, honey."

>>>

>>>

>>> DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sarah?"

>>>

>>>

>>> Sarah: "Well..."

>>>

>>>

>>> DJ: Come on Sarah.....where did

>> you have it?

>>>

>>>

>>> Sarah: "Up the *rse....."

>>>

>>> They had to call an ambulance for the DJ he

>> thought he was going to have

>>> a heart attack , he could not stop laughing.

>>> Apperently there was an unusually high call out of

>> the Sydney Police

>>> just after this conversation , for minor traffic

>> collisions.

[Duncan Rounding]

A NEW WING FOR THE HOSPITAL
When a panel of doctors was asked to vote on adding
A new wing to their hospital, the Allergists voted
To scratch it and the Dermatologists advised not to
Make any rash moves.
The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling
About it, but the Neurologists thought the
Administration had a lot of nerve, and the
Obstetricians felt they were all labouring under a
Misconception.
The Ophthalmologists considered the idea
Short-sighted; the Pathologists yelled, 'Over my dead
Body, while the Paediatricians said, 'Oh, Grow up!'
The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was
Madness, the Radiologists could see right through
It, and the Surgeons decided to wash their hands of
The whole thing.
The Internists though t it was a bitter pill to
Swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, 'This puts a
Whole new face on the matter.'
The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but
The Urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water.
The Anaesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a
Gas and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to
Say no.
In the end, the Proctologists left the decision up
To some asshole in administration.

[JSnow]

Charles and Camilla

Camilla bought new shoes for her wedding, which got increasingly tighter around her feet as the day went on.

That night, when the festivities were finally over and they finally retired to their room, she flopped on the bed and said, 'Charles darling, please remove my shoes, my feet are absolutely killing me!'

Her ever-obedient Prince of Wales worked on her right shoe with vigour, but it would not budge. 'Harder!' yelled Camilla, 'Harder!'

Charles yelled back, 'I'm trying, my darling! But it's just so blooming tight!'

'Come on, my prince! Give it all you've got!' she cried. Finally, when the shoe released, Charles let out a loud groan and Camilla exclaimed, 'Aaahh! Oh, God, that feels sooo good!'

In their bedroom next door, the Queen said to Prince Phillip, 'See? I told you with a face like that, she would still be a virgin!'

Meanwhile, as Charles tried to remove her left shoe, he cried, 'Oh, bloody hell, darling! This one's even tighter!'

To which Prince Phillip said to the Queen, 'That's my boy: once a Navy man always a Navy man!'

[Legends]

A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third everything had just been reduced to a fiver when her mobile phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.



The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible.



As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the shops. She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital.



She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful cream slice complementary from the last shop.

She was jubilant.



Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself!

While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round the clock care. And you'll now be his carer!'



The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed...........



The lady doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead. What did you buy?'

:D :D

[papermilldirect]

The Office Party

John, woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.

After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him. "Louise," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?"

"Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face."

"He's an asshole," John said. "Piss on him."

"You did," came the reply. "And he fired you."

"Well, screw him!" said John.

"I did. You're back at work on Monday."

[Duncan Rounding]

Its probably a bit early to worry, but I hear that there maybe very few toys for the kids next Christmas.

It seems many of Santa' s factory workers are going on strike.

There appears to be an issue with ELF AND SAFETY!

[george]

A man who just died is delivered to a Glesga mortuary wearing an
expensive, expertly tailored black suit. Big Tam the mortician asks
the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look very good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in navy. She gives Tam a blank cheque and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a navy suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day. To her delight she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous navy suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly. She says to Tam, 'Whatever the cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'

To her astonishment, Tam presents her with the blank cheque. 'nay charge,' he says.

'No, really, I must pay you for the cost of that exquisite navy suit!' she says. 'Honestly, hen,' Tam says, 'it didnae cost nothin. You see, a deid gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive navy suit. I asked his missus if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit insteed, and she said it made nae difference as long as he looked nice...

...so, I just switched their heids.'

[Legends]

This is a true story, proving how fascinating the mind of a six year old is. They think so logically.

A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home. She read ... 'and so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'

The teacher paused then asked the class:

'And what do you think the man said?'

One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly ...'I think the man would have said - 'Well, f**k me!! A talking pig!'

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

[Duncan Rounding]

I ended up with an older woman at a club last night. She looked OK for a 57-year-old.

In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she probably had a hot daughter....

We drank a bit, and a had a bit of a snuggle, and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double.

"What's that?" I asked

"It a mother and daughter threesome," she said.

I said, "No" - excitedly.

We drank a bit more and then she said that tonight was "my lucky night".

I went back to her place.

She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: "Mom, you still awake?

[papermilldirect]

I was looking for some humourous element to send out in a newsletter to our photo paper customers but I think this one is a bit too near the knuckle...

The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.
"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."
"Don't I know!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."
"Oh my god!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture.
"She was difficult ?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, eh......equipment?"
"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."
"Tripod??", Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam? Madam?..... Good Lord, she's fainted!!"

[TraceyHand]

Dear Tech Guys,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a
distinct slow down in overall system performance -- Particularly in the
flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under
Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such
as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable
components such as Footie 5.0, Pool 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've
tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?
Signed, Desperate
------------------------------------------------------------


Dear Desperate:


First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is far simpler program, While
Husband 1.0 is a killer application.

Click START, RUN and enter "I Thought You Loved Me". Then
download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If
that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then
automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to
default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Nasty Comments 3.1 or Beer 6.1.
Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that constantly defaults to Snoring Loudly Beta Version.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs in
the background and will eventually seize control of all your system
resources). Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program.
These are unsupported applications and will cause Husband 1.0 to freeze.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a cool program, but it does have limited
memory and cannot load new applications quickly. You might consider
buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We
recommend Food 3.0 and Machine Mart Catalogue 7.7.

Good Luck, Tech Support

[pinbrook]

A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. You know what?', says the 7 year old, 'I think it's about time we started swearing.'

The 4 year old nods his head in approval. When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you swear after me, ok?'

'Ok' the 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast.

'Oh, shit mum, I guess I'll have some Coco Pops'

WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.

She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice, 'And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?

'I don't know,' he blubbers, 'but it won't be f****** Coco Pops'

[acompton]

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. 'I'd love to be eight again' she replied.

On the morning of her birthday, he arose early and made her a bowl of Coco Pops and jammy toasties!

He took her to a theme park and put her on every ride in the park:
* The Death Slide
* The Wall of Fear
* The Screaming Monster Roller Coaster

Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. Right away they went to a McDonalds where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate milkshake.

Then it was off to the movies: the latest Kiddies three hour epic cartoon, a hot dog, popcorn, all the Coke she could drink, her favourite lolly and M&Ms!

What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed on to the bed exhausted. He leaned over his beloved wife with a big smile and lovingly asked 'Well dear, what was it like being eight again?'

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression changed to one of total realisation...'I meant my dress size, you useless idiot!!!'

The moral of this story: Even when a man is listening, he's still going to get it wrong.....

[leehack]

LOL, very very good one.

[pinbrook]

This is a letter from an Austin woman sent to American company Proctor and Gamble regarding their feminine products. She really gets rolling after the first paragraph... PC Magazine's 2007 editors' choice for best web mail-award-winning letter....

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the Leak Guard Core or Dry-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favourite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from the curse'? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call an inbred hillbilly with knife skills. Isn't the human body amazing?

As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, Mr. Thatcher, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control, maniacal behaviour.

You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy! The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants...

Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: 'Have a Happy Period.'

Are you fu*king kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager. male brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness - is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.
For the love of God, pull your head out of your ass, man! If you just have to Slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or 'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong', or are you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullshit. And that's a promise I will keep. Always.

Best, Wendi Aarons
Austin, TX

[Darren B]

OK not so much a joke but im sure it will make most men smile

THE WEDDING TEST


I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.


Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.


Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'And the moral of this story is:


Always keep your condoms in your car.

[Mike Hughes]

Yesterday was Mother's Day in the US so there was a bit of this going around. Enjoy.

WHY GOD MADE MOMS ....

Answers given by 2nd-grade school children to the following questions:

Why did God make mothers?

1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?

1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.

What ingredients are mothers made of?

1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then, they mostly used string, I think.

Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?

1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.

What kind of little girl was your mom?

1. My Mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.

What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?

1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk
on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to
chores?

Why did your mom marry your dad?

1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.

Who's the boss at your house?

1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof
ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

What's the difference between moms and dads?

1. Moms work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause
that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
4. Moms have magic -- they make you feel better without medicine.

What does your mom do in her spare time?

1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What would it take to make your mom perfect?

1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?

1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of
that.
2. I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did
it and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.

[pinbrook]

These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the
> answers are the
> actual responses by the website officials, who obviously
> have a sense of
> humour
>
> __________________________________________________
> Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen
> it rain on TV,
> how do the plants grow? ( UK ).
>
> A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit
> around watching them
> die.
>
> __________________________________________________
>
> Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA )
>
> A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
>
> __________________________________________________
>
> Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the
> railroad tracks?
> ( Sweden )
>
> A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of
> water.
>
> __________________________________________________
>
> Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you
> send me a
> list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey
> Bay? ( UK )
>
> A: What did your last slave die of?
>
> __________________________________________________
>
> Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in
> Australia? ( USA )
>
> A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of
> Europe .
>
> Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific
> which does not
>
> ... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday
> night in Kings
> Cross. Come naked.
>
> __________________________________________________
>
> Q: Which direction is North in Australia ? ( USA )
>
> A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when
> you get here and
> we'll send the rest of the directions.
>
> _________________________________________________
>
> Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? ( UK )
>
> A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
>
> __________________________________________________
>
> Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (
> USA )
>
> A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering
> Ger-man-y, which is ...
>
>
> oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every
> Tuesday night in
> Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
>
> __________________________________________________
>
> Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? ( UK )
>
> A: You are a British politician, right?
>
> ____________________________ ______________________
>
> Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available
> all year round?
> ( Germany )
>
> A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan
> hunter/gatherers.
>
> Milk is illegal .
>
> __________________________________________________
>
> Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can
> Dispense
> rattlesnake serum. ( USA )
>
> A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come
> from.
>
> All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely
> handled and
> make good pets.
>
> __________________________________________________
>
> Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia ,
> but I forget its
> name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA )
>
> A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because
> they drop out of
> Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath
> them.
>
> You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human
> urine before you go
> out walking.
>
> __________________________________________________
>
> Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of
> youth. Can you
> tell me where I can sell it in Australia? ( USA )
>
> A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
>
> __________________________________________________
>
> Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female
> population is
> smaller than the male popula tion? ( Italy )
>
> A: Yes, gay night clubs.
>
> __________________________________________________
>
> Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? ( France )
>
> A: Only at Christmas.
>
> __________________________________________________
>
> Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact
> the Girl I
> dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (
> USA )
>
> A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour..
>
> __________________________________________________
>
> Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA
> )
>
> A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first
>
> __________________________________________________
>
> Qantas..............
>
> After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a
> 'gripe sheet,'
> which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The
> mechanics
> correct the problems, document their repairs on the form,
> then the pilots
> review the gripe sheets right before the next flight. Never
> let it be said
> that ground crews lack a sense of humor.
>
> Here are some of the actual maintenance complaints
> submitted by the
> Qantas' pilots (as marked with a P) and the solutions
> recorded (as marked
> with an S) by the maintenance engineers.
>
> __________________________________________________
>
> P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
> S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.
>
> __________________________________________________
>
> P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
> S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
> __________________________________________________
>
> P: Something loose in the cockpit.
> S: Something tightened in the cockpit.
> __________________________________________________
>
> P: Dead bugs on windshield.
> S: Live bugs on backorder.
> __________________________________________________
>
> P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per
> minute descent.
> S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
> __________________________________________________
>
> P: Evidence of a leak on the right main landing gear.
> S: Evidence removed.
> __________________________________________________
>
> P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
> S: DME volume reset to a more believable level.
> __________________________________________________
>
> P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
> S: That's what friction locks are for.
> __________________________________________________
>
> P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
> S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
> __________________________________________________
>
> P: Suspected crack in windshield.
> S: Suspect you're right.
> __________________________________________________
>
> P: The number 3 engine is missing.
> S: Engine found on right wing after a brief search.
> __________________________________________________
>
> P: Aircraft handles funny.
> S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be
> serious.
> __________________________________________________
>
> P: Target radar hums.
> S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
> __________________________________________________
>
> P: Mouse in cockpit.
> S: Cat installed.
> __________________________________________________
>
> P: Noise coming from under the instrument panel. Sounds
> like a midget
> pounding on something with a hammer.
> S: Took hammer away from the midget.

[Duncan Rounding]

The National Eczema Society have launched a new scratch card to raise funds.

I see there is a new cut price midwifery service,.. no charge for delivery!

New book out today maths for beginners launch day special....3 for the price of 4

The latest dvd from the BBC of the Casualty series is about to be released.
To add to authenticity there is a 6 month waiting list!

[pinbrook]

Look at both dolphins jumping out of the water. The dolphins are identical. A closely monitored, scientific study revealed that, in spite of the fact that the dolphins are identical, a person under stress would find differences in the two dolphins. The more differences a person finds between the dolphins, the more stress that person is experiencing.

Look at the photograph and if you find more than one or two differences you may want to take a holiday. :)

[leehack]

lol...pillock

[completerookie]

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde. The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, 'Its golf balls'.
Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, deeply thinking about what he had said.

After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked;





'Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?

[TraceyHand]

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favour?'

'Of course child. What may I do for you?'

'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my Mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it..

Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?'

'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.'

'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'


When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.

The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'

'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.'

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to
declare from your waist to the floor?'

'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'

Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next!'

[Duncan Rounding]

:D Good one Tracey

[parklifeclothes]

Whats brown and runs around your garden??

Fence!!!

[Jan]

Whats brown and runs around your garden??

Fence!!!
.... surely not, it must be a mole

Regards,

[completerookie]

An old Italian man, living alone in the country wanted to dig his tomato garden, but it was very hard work and the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help was now in prison.
The old man wrote to tell his son of the problem.

Dear Vincent,
I am very unhappy as I won't be able to plant my tomatoes this year, I'm getting too old, the ground is hard, and I know if you were here, you'd dig it over for me.
Love Dad


A few days later, the old man received a reply.
Dear Dad.
don't dig up the garden, thats where the Bodies are buried
Love Vinnie

at 4am, the next morning, the local police turned up, dug up the entire garden, but failed to find the bodies, They apologised to the old man and left. The next day, the old man recieved another letter from his son.
Dear Dad.
Go ahead, plant the tomatoes now, Thats the best I could do, considerug my circumstances
Love Vinnie

[Duncan Rounding]

A newspaper opened an advice column called "Dear Walter" but since they were not able to find a female columnist similar to the late and well-beloved Dear Abby they employed a man to write replies. Here's what happened:

Dear Walter,

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house, watching TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a few hundred yards down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was parading in front of the wardrobe dressed in my underwear, high heel shoes and he was wearing my makeup. I am 32, my husband is 34 and we've been married for twelve years.

When I confronted him he tried to make out that he had dressed in my lingerie because he couldn't find his own underwear, but when I asked him about the makeup he broke down and admitted that he'd been wearing my stuff for six months. I told him to stop or I'd leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and says he's been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him any more. Can you please help?

Sincerely, Mrs Sheila Usk.

Dear Sheila,

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If this is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburettor float chamber. I hope this helps.
Walter.

[Duncan Rounding]

1. When I was born, I got a choice - A big dick or a good memory. I can't remember, what I chose.

2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.

4. Impotence: Nature's way of saying 'No hard feelings...'

5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.

6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.

7. There are three stages of sex in a man's life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.

8. Virginity can be cured.

9. Virginity is not dignity, it's lack of opportunity.

10. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialler were too small.

12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

13. Q: What's an Australian kiss? A: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.

14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing......

15. Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a mans life? A: Life sucks, job sucks, and the wife doesn't.

16. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact ? A: Breasts don't have eyes.

17. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives !!!

[TraceyHand]

Firstly, sorry its all in caps but I've C&Ped, I have no inclination to retype!

3 MEN GO INTO A HOTEL. THE MAN BEHIND THE DESK SAID THE ROOM IS £30.00 SO EACH MAN PAID £10.00 AND WENT TO THE ROOM.

A WHILE LATER THE MAN BEHIND THE DESK REALIZED THE ROOM WAS ONLY £25.00

SO HE SENT THE BELLBOY TO THE 3 GUYS' ROOM WITH £5.00

ON THE WAY THE BELLBOY COULDN'T FIGURE OUT HOW TO SPLIT £5.00 EVENLY

BETWEEN 3 MEN, SO HE GAVE EACH MAN A £1.00 AND KEPT THE OTHER £2.00 FOR HIMSELF.

THIS MEANT THAT THE 3 MEN EACH PAID £9.00 FOR THE ROOM, WHICH IS A TOTAL

OF £27.00, ADD THE £2.00 THAT THE BELLBOY KEPT = £29.00

WHERE IS THE OTHER POUND?

:D

[jont]

THIS MEANT THAT THE 3 MEN EACH PAID £9.00 FOR THE ROOM.

The men paid £9.3333 for the room as the thieving bellboy pocketed £2.00

£10.00-(£2.00/3) = £9.333333

£9.33333 x 3 = £28.00

£28.00 + £2.00 stolen = £30.00 they started with

... you have to love mathematics :cool:

[leehack]

The men paid £9.3333 for the room as the thieving bellboy pocketed £2.00
They paid £10 to start with and got a pound back, its hard to argue that they did not pay £9 only, but i think you managed it. I think you are better off looking at it from the point, that the men did not pay just £9 (£10-£1) as they also had to pay the stolen £2. A clever and good puzzle though, i can see that one causing some arguments.

[TraceyHand]

hahahahahaha

jont...your brain is warped!
plus, your logic is wrong :p

[Duncan Rounding]

The £2 that the Bellboy (BellPerson nowadays I suppose to be PC) should be subtracted not added.

[chris ashdown]

The three paid 27 pounds whilst the price was 25

The missing two pound was the theiving little bastard

the 30 pounds is a red herring or as they say up ere a Bloater

[leehack]

or as they say up ere a Bloater
That's a fat sheila down here.

[Duncan Rounding]

That's a fat sheila down here.
Sheila's are down under mate.

[jont]

Was the £2.00 an Actinic component?

[jont]

What they paid for the room and what money the do not have is not the same .... the room is one price but they are also down for the money from the bellperson (pc) which also belongs to them.

This is why <insert global corporation> pay millions to accountants each year to juggle figures :cool:

[TraceyHand]

What they paid for the room and what money the do not have is not the same .... the room is one price but they are also down for the money from the bellperson (pc) which also belongs to them.

This is why <insert global corporation> pay millions to accountants each year to juggle figures :cool:


*feels partly responsible for jont's impending nervous breakdown*

I knew this would be an interesting one to post!

[chris ashdown]

why has nobody asked why three fully grown men want to share a room

Were they involved in Formula One

Do they dress up

Were any of them called Mosley or wear black shirts

[malbro]

THIS MEANT THAT THE 3 MEN EACH PAID £9.00 FOR THE ROOM, WHICH IS A TOTAL

OF £27.00, ADD THE £2.00 THAT THE BELLBOY KEPT = £29.00

WHERE IS THE OTHER POUND?

:D

Look at it this way

each man paid £9 so that's £27, the hotel got £25 and the bell boy £2.

[jont]

Were any of them called Mosley

That takes care of the nein pounds :D

[kathynewman]

Paddy's pregnant sister was in a terrible car accident and went into a deep coma.

After being in the coma for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant.
Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, 'Ma'am, you had twins; a boy and a girl!

The babies are fine now, but they were poorly at birth and had to be christened immediately. Your brother came in and named them.'

The woman thinks to herself, 'Oh no, not mi' brother!

He's a bloody clueless ignoramus!' Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor,
'Well, what's my daughter's name?'

'Denise,' says the doctor.

The new mother is totally relieved. 'Wow, that's a beautiful name, I guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise.'

Then she asks, 'What's the boy's name?'

'Denephew'.

[Legends]

Why I fired my Secretary.

Last week was my birthday
and I didn't feel very well
waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast
hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
'Happy Birthday!',
and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out,
she barely said good morning,
let alone
' Happy Birthday.'

I thought...
Well, that's marriage for you,
but the kids...
They will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast
and didn't say a word.
So when I left for the office,
I felt pretty low
and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office,
my secretary Jane said,
'Good Morning Boss,
and by the way
Happy Birthday ! '
It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock ,
when Jane knocked on my door
and said, 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day outside,
and it is your Birthday,
what do you say we go out to lunch,
just you and me.'
I said, 'Thanks, Jane,
that's the greatest thing
I've heard all day.
Let's go !'

We went to lunch.
But we didn't go
where we normally would go.
She chose instead at a quiet bistro
with a private table.
We had two martinis each
and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office,
Jane said, 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day...
We don't need to go straight back to the office,
Do We ?'

I responded,
'I guess not.
What do you have in mind ?'
She said,
'Let's drop by my apartment,
it's just around the corner.'


After arriving at her apartment,
Jane turned to me and said,
' Boss, if you don't mind,
I'm going to step into the bedroom
for just a moment.
I'll be right back.'
'Ok.' I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and,
after a couple of minutes,
she came out
carrying a huge birthday cake ....
Followed
by my wife,
my kids,
and dozens of my friends
and co-workers,
all singing 'Happy Birthday'.


And I just sat there...



On the couch...



Naked.

[Darren B]

If God made the front of a woman who made the back?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
The Council!

Only they would put a S**t hole next to a play area

[kathynewman]

A guy goes to the Local Council to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, 'Are you allergic to anything?'

He answers 'Yes - caffeine'

'Have you ever been in the services?'

'Yes,' he says. 'I was in Iraq for two years.'

The interviewer says, 'That will give you 5 extra points toward
employment,' and then asks, 'Are you disabled in any way?

The guy says, 'Yes 100%...a bomb exploded near me and blew my
testicles off.'

The interviewer tells the guy, 'O.K. In that case, I can hire you
right now. Normal hours are from 8 AM to 2 PM.
You can start tomorrow at 10:00 - and plan on starting at 10 AM every
day.'

The guy is puzzled and says, 'If the hours are from 8 AM to 2 PM, why
don't you want me to be here before 10 AM?' '

'This is a council job,' the interviewer says. 'For the first two
hours we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls.

No point in you coming in for that.'

[kathynewman]

A young man starts a new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.

First he has to clear the weeds from the exotic fish pool. As he does
this, a piranha jumps out and bites him. In a panic, he beats it to death
with a spade. Realising his employer won't be best pleased, he disposes of
the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.

Moving on to the second job of cleaning out the primate house, he is
attacked by two aggressive chimpanzees, who pelt him with coconuts. He
swipes wildly at the two chimps with his spade, killing them both. What
can he do? Feed them to the lions, of course, because lions eat
anything. He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.

He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South
American bees. As soon as he starts, he is attacked by a swarm of angry
bees. He grabs the spade and smashes several of them to a pulp. He throws
them into the lion enclosure, because lions eat anything.

Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another
lion and asks, 'What's the food like here?'

The lion replies: 'Absolutely brilliant, today we had fish and chimps with
mushy bees.'

[TraceyHand]

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says:
'Eddie, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Eddie says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby. '
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'


Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a su itcas e at his feet, who insisted he didn' t need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'



A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure.'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast ?'


A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: 'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'



Three old guys are out walking. First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday! '
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer.'



A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect .'
'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?'
Twelve thirty .'



Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'

One more. . !

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

[Mike Hughes]

My sons favourite joke of the moment:

- What's 40 foot long and smells of pee ?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
- Line dancing at an old folks home.

Mike

[george]

I was checking into a hotel the other week. At the counter, a guy in front of me said curtly to the receptionist, "I hope the porn channel is disabled."


Unbelievable what some people are into.

[TraceyHand]

APPARENTLY TRUE SAYINGS BY CHILDREN - PRICELESS


1. A nursery school pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead.
'How do you know that the cat was dead?' she asked her pupil.
'Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move,' answered the child innocently.
'You did WHAT?' the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
'You know,' explained the boy, 'I leaned over and went 'Pssst' and it didn't move'

2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father.
Five minutes later.....'Da-ad....'
'What?'
'I'm thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?'
'No, You had your chance. Lights out.'
Five minutes later: 'Da-aaaad.....'
'WHAT?'
'I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??'
' I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to smack you!!'
Five minutes later......'Daaaa-aaaad.....'
'WHAT!'
'When you come in to smack me, can you bring a drink of water?'

3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him 'How do you expect to get into Heaven?'
The boy thought it over and said, 'Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!''

4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, 'Mummy, will you sleep with me tonight?'
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
'I can't dear,' she said. 'I have to sleep in Daddy's room.'
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:
'The big sissy.'

5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon.
All the children were invited to come forward.
One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the minister leaned over and said, 'That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?'
The little girl replied, directly into the minister's clip-on microphone, 'Yes, and my Mum says it's a bitch to iron.'

6. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower.
She said, 'Mummy, you are getting fat!'
I replied, 'Yes, honey, remember Mummy has a baby growing in her tummy.'
'I know,' she replied, but what's growing in your bum?'

7. A little boy was doing his math homework.
He said to himself, 'Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven.
Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine....'
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, 'What are you doing?'
The little boy answered, 'I'm doing my math homework, Mum.'
'And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?' the mother asked
'Yes,' he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, 'What are you teaching my son in math?'
The teacher replied, 'Right now, we are learning addition.'
The mother asked, 'And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?'
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, 'What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.'

8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, '.... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, 'The sky is falling, the sky is falling!'
The teacher paused then asked the class, 'And what do you think that
farmer said?'
One little girl raised her hand and said, 'I think he said: 'Holy s***! A talking chicken!''
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter.'
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, 'I'm Jane Sugarbrown.'
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, 'Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?'
She replied, 'I thought I was, but mother says I'm not.'

10. A little girl asked her mother, 'Can I go outside and play with the boys?'
Her mother replied, 'No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough.'
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?'

11. A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.
She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake The barber says to her,
'Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your muffin.'
She says, 'Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too.'

[grantglendinnin]

I was checking into a hotel the other week. At the counter, a guy in front of me said curtly to the receptionist, "I hope the porn channel is disabled."


Unbelievable what some people are into.

Ahhh, another fan of sickipedia.org :rolleyes: :D

[pinbrook]

How do you stop your husband reading your emails?



Rename the desktop icon - "Instruction Manual"

[pinbrook]

Why do men become smarter during sex?

Because they are plugged into a genius

---------------------------

Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?

They don't stop to ask directions

---------------------------------------------

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'

'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'

He yelled back, ' University of Oklahoma .'

-------------------------------------------

A couple is lying in bed. The man says,

'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.'

The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...'

[Mike Hughes]

Hmmpph.

How to stop your wife using the computer:

1) Distraction - Leave a copy of 'Hello' on the table. By the time she's finished reading it a new one will be out.

2) Social networks - Leave a post-it note on the monitor saying 'your friend called'. By the she's called them all she'll have forgotten all about it.

3) Technological approach - Unplug the mouse.

Mike

[pinbrook]

It is good to be a woman:

1. We got off the Titanic first.
2. We can scare male bosses with the mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.
3. Taxis stop for us.
4. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
5. No fashion faux pas we make, could ever rival the Speedo.
6. We don't have to pass gas to amuse ourselves.
7.. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
8. We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her rear end.
9. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
10. We have the ability to dress ourselves.
11. We can talk to the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
12. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we are aware that we will look like an idiot.
13. We will never regret piercing our ears.
14. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
15. We can make comments about how silly men are in their presence because they aren't listening anyway.

[Duncan Rounding]

I have CDO. It's like OCD but with the letters in alphabetical order.

[Duncan Rounding]

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

[fergusw]

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

You'll find them hiding behind the invisible capes! :o

[chris ashdown]

I can sell you some

[Darren B]

Chris how i wonder how many of your customers actually buy for personal use

[chris ashdown]

Were you a size 14 or 16 I can't remember and it was only a couple of weeks ago

[chris ashdown]

hey I got my 2000 without noticing

My 2000 must be equal in quality to about 1 of Normans, 2 of Jonty and maybe 4 of my old old friend Lee

[Darren B]

Were you a size 14 or 16 I can't remember and it was only a couple of weeks ago

Sheesh Chris what happened to confidentiality

[TraceyHand]

Sheesh Chris what happened to confidentiality

in the world of Actinic, apparently there IS none!! (eh, Darron!?)

Good thing I've never bought from Duncan/Gareth etc LOL

[Mike Hughes]

Chris was kind enough to share the photo you sent him.

Mike

[TraceyHand]

Chris, was kind enough to share the photo you sent him.

Mike


lmfao

that is TOO funny

I thought that pic was for me only, Darren? I'm so disappointed!

[chris ashdown]

nice one mike

[Duncan Rounding]

A couple of credit crunch funnies...

What's the difference between Investment Bankers and London Pigeons? The Pigeons are still capable of making deposits on new BMW's

I had a cheque returned earlier. "Insufficient Funds" Mine or the banks?

For Geography students Only: What's the capital of Iceland? Answer: About Three Pounds Fifty...

-------------------
Anyone got any more?.....

[pinbrook]

still with iceland

http://blogs.telegraph.co.uk/financial_crisis_humour/blog/2008/10/10/iceland_for_sale_on_ebay_for_99p

[malbro]

still with iceland

http://blogs.telegraph.co.uk/financial_crisis_humour/blog/2008/10/10/iceland_for_sale_on_ebay_for_99p

Just checked must have sold already!!

[Duncan Rounding]

Probably didn't reach the reserve. LOL

[chris ashdown]

With a couple of young kids around the parents decided that when they wanted sex, they would bring the words "Washing Machine" into the conversation

A couple of nights latter when they go to bed, the man asked the whife "if she would turn on the washing machine", she replied "No it's broken down at the moment, and I have a headache"

After about half a hour, the wife felt a bit guilty and said to the husband "I forgot the man repaired the washing machine today should i put it on"?

The husband replied" no thats OK, it was only a light load so I hand washed it myself"

[TraceyHand]

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin , orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.

When he finished all three, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender says to him, 'You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; It would taste better if you bought one at a time.'

The Irishman replies, 'Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America , the other in Australia , and I'm here in Dublin . When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we all drank together.'

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way: he orders three pints and drinks the three pints by taking drinks from each of them in turn.

One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars' in the bar notice and fall silent.

When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, 'I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss.'
The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then the light dawns in his eye and he laughs.

'Oh, no,' he says, 'Everyone is fine. It's me........I'm driving!'

[CymraegKev]

NOTE: No offence intended to Dyslexics, I am one myself. Just made me laugh this joke.

Two dyslexics chatting;

First dyslexic to the other: "Can you smell gas?"
Second dyslexic: "Smell gas? I can't even smell my own name"

[kathynewman]

Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress.

The thin one leaned over and said, 'Life is so boring. We never have any fun any more. For £10 I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid flower show!'

'You're on!' said the other old lady, holding up a £10 note. The first little old lady slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely naked, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of the flower show.

Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, Followed by loud applause and shrill whistling. The smiling and naked old lady came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering crowd.

'What happened?' asked her waiting friend.

'I won 1st prize as 'Best Dried Arrangement'.

[kathynewman]

My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings,
bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be
able to monitor my moods.

We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it
turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a
big frickin red mark on his forehead.

Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.

[cbarling]

Hi Guys, I deleted all of the spam and the comments about it to keep things tidy. Don't bother commenting, let's not waste our time on these guys ... Chris

[grantglendinnin]

Don't you hate those people who use sayings such as, "There's no 'I' in 'Team'"?

Well, the next time somebody mentions it, quickly and calmly reply:

"Yes, but there is a 'M' and an 'E'"

[jont]

"There's no 'I' in 'Team'"?

There must be an iTeam at Apple?

[grantglendinnin]

There must be an iTeam at Apple?

No, just third world slavery.